I've posted about my ex mother-in-law before, how she gave me a bar of soap at my weding with the immortal words "Welcome to Australia, I hope you will fit into our culture soon".
Holocausplay: i'm all-in
*throws out soap*
I always get fucking candles. I'm a pyrophobe, and have been ever since my dad's house burned down when I was 10. My stepdad knew this and got me another goddamn candle last year. My roommates give me candles, knowing I will never burn them and go absolutely apeshit when they burn them and leave the room for an extended period of time. Why? Because I'm a girl. What girl would want tools? Or dumbbells? This girl, that's who. But no...candles. And scented freaking body lotion.
Two years ago, I gave my boyfriend an iPod because he'd lost his, and a wah-wah pedal for his guitar with a mini practice amp. I had some shit job but had saved up to get it for him.
The only thing I had hinted at wanting was Guitar Hero. He gives me a gift bag while saying, "This is one of the many, many presents for you."
Inside the bag - it was a tube of lotion.
Frozen with incredulity, my eyes slowly went up from the lotion to meet his eyes. He smiled. "You know, because your elbows get dry!"
That was the only present from him that year. Then, for Valentine's Day, to "make up for it," he said he had something very special planned... which turned out to be going to the Lindt store in the mall. I'm allergic to dairy, so all he did was buy himself a few chocolates.
Autism Monday: "We have lotion. Over." Frozen with guilt, the boyfriend begins to run through the crowd.
One year for christmas, my younger sister got two DSs, and I got a brown paper bag full of soy sauce packets.
It was tied with a piece of twine and had my name written on it in marker.
One year my brother and I were really into the Mighty Morphing Power Rangers. I would have my mom tape all the shows for me so I could watch them when I got home from school.
I then realized come October/November that I was too old for them, I was in like the 7th or 8th grade even. So I switched to liking other things.
Unfortunately, my parents, grandparents, whoever buys me gifts must have bought every Power Ranger toy in the months I was really into them. So one Christmas, I received about 20 Power Ranger items, when I've already lost interested a month or two before.
A whole Christmas gone to waste.
Maltag: hey assfart, why did you give me this gift? you should really hire a private investigator to follow me around and watch everything i do in order to choose a good gift ugh you fucking failures
Got a card in the mail today from my great-grandmother, addressed to my younger brother and I. Enclosed was a $10 bill. The card said "Merry Christmas, both of you. Don't spend it all at once!"
Guess what my bitchfuck newborn nephew got me for Christmas?? A stupid card that was OBVIOUSLY ghost-written by his parents. Yeah real cute, you little prick. I'm absolutely THRILLED with the f.u.c.k.i.n.g C.A.R.D!!!! you got me. What that cost you, damnass, 1.75? Jesus.
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
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