The 2010 Fashion SWAT Horror-ween Frightober Kid's Kostume Spooktacular
Zackula: Wow, great. What a trick. Now make it disappear.
Dr. Thorpenstein: It must be fun to go trick-or-treating around the neighborhood in a costume that makes you shuffle around like a potato sack race. Best-case scenario, you stand still and look like you're shitting in a big hat.
Zackula: Which you actually might be. No way are you making it to a bathroom in time if the urge hits.
Zackula: WARNING: NOT FOR CHILDREN WITH IBS
Dr. Thorpenstein: Or maybe it's the perfect costume for kids with IBS. If they're gonna be shitting all night, at least put them in something with a built-in septic tank.
Zackula: I think part of the problem with all of these costumes is that America doesn't have professional archetypes anymore. You used to dress up as firemen and hobos and gypsies. Now these costume websites have 100 different food item costumes and random stuff like this walking toilet.
Dr. Thorpenstein: It's better than having your kid walk around all night Shawshanking out nuggets of doo on your neighbor's porches through his pant leg.
Dr. Thorpenstein: I think it's another one of those low self-esteem costumes. For kids who aren't confident enough to be the magician, they can be the humiliated prop animal.
Zackula: Did you notice the available size is "one size fits most." It used to be one size fits all but America proved them wrong.
Zackula: "Oh yeah? Fits ALL? That's pretty bold. Let me introduce you to my cousin. No, you're going to have to come to him, he can't leave his bed."
Zackula: "And he really wants to dress up as the Green Man dude."
Dr. Thorpenstein: God, imagine the horrifying dimensions of a kid who couldn't squeeze his waistline into that huge hat brim.
Zackula: It's even better to imagine one who just barely can. Like the hat is all blown out and you can see his legs.
Dr. Thorpenstein: That probably describes about 65% of all kids in America. It's gonna be a great Halloween, man. I'm just going to sit on my porch watching all these little honey hams waddling around in their stretched-out tophat pants.
Zackula: "Yeah, okay Spider Man, let me see you jump."
Dr. Thorpenstein: Now that I'm a crotchety old man, there's something really appealing about the entire next generation dying of diabetes when I'm only like 50.