How to Survive in Any RPG
The theme of "item collection" plays a pivotal role in your character's life. For evil to succeed, it must find all X pieces that make up item Y, which have been scattered around in diverse climates such as the desert, icelands, underwater, mountains, space, an unusually large goat's anus, and dimension Q. If you are somehow able to retrieve all X pieces of the item before the enemy does, he'll invariably find a way to take them all from you after you find the last piece, and will attempt to work his evil magic with whatever goofy device he hooked them together to assemble, like an earthquake-causing magic dildo.
It's also worth noting that almost every form of liquid is extremely helpful. In fact, any status or effect can be fixed by drinking a beverage of some kind! Most shops carry the "confusion-causing purple rattlesnake of upper west side Pittsburgh" antivenom, despite the fact that there is no Pittsburgh in the game. If there was, however, you'd be able to laugh that purple rattlesnake in the face as you shrugged off its only attack! Even death can be cured by a potion, so the only way a wizard could really fuck you up is by casting his "close mouth" spell on you. Luckily, in that case you'd be able to respond with the powerful "..." counterattack.
Yeah, this might be a good time to get those taxes done.
On your quest, you're likely to run into some tiny godlike creatures who have nothing better to do than hide in your pocket until you unleash them. Not surprisingly, once they're released into a battle, they take their sweet time and won't let you skip their cutscene which is twenty minutes long and ALWAYS shows the exact same attack. Your enemies understand the godlike creatures' slow, methodical way, and will willingly wait for them to finish their spectacular light show which invariably kills them. Hell, you're probably the first person they ever fought, so they don't know any better. Maybe they're exceptionally lonely after years of waiting to fight somebody who actually ventures outside of towns, and hope the gigantic flaming dragon will give them a hug instead of fatally incinerating them.Don't bother about dying in combat. Somehow, being dead doesn't usually count as being dead unless it's your main character that bites it. Did the stupendous Human Shield character which you consistently neglect to equip with anything worthy fall from the vicious right jab of Mutated Frog Homophobic Butterfly #42? No problem, just get back to the nearest town; they've all got an old guy that can somehow revive the dead, yet lives in a rundown shack and isn't on Dr. Phil making millions. In the meantime, the biggest downfall to dying is not accruing experience points, which I'm sure characters kick themselves for while they're in the afterlife chilling out and waiting for their party members to find the right potion to revive them.
Congratulations! You Won!
And so ends the most informative and insightful guide to RPGs you'll find on the internet. Be sure to have this nearby while playing your favorite game, and wear that dress we like. You know, the red one with the short skirt; we told you we don't care if it's uncomfortable. As long as you keep the pointers from this guide in mind, you're sure to keep those grey-toed poison goblins (special attack: whirling french kiss) at bay! Unfortunately, you won't stand a chance against the orange toed poison goblin wizard mage philosophy majors. There's no way you can beat them - look at all the fucking adjectives in their name!. I mean, seriously, what the fuck were you thinking?- Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka and CT's Stalker