Adult News You, as an Adult, Can Use
It's time once again for me to bring you the hottest titles spurting onto the shelves of an adult video store near you. Those of you with a weak heart or a strong gag reflex should probably avoid this one.
Press 3 for Fast Cash ($40).
I think this is a Matrix parody, but I'm not 100% sure about that. If it's not a "Matrix" parody that just makes the already terrible title even more confusing and bad. The A Trixxx's cover boasts that "every scene features an ATM". I imagined an ATM on legs and with plastic tubing for arms waddling into a bedroom and rubbing itself all over a squealing barely legal teen. Then I remembered that "ATM" is a hot new porn buzzword for "Ass To Mouth" or as I like to call it "Hepatitis Porn". I'm pretty sure some red states still have laws on the books specifically about taking things out of your butt and then putting them in your mouth.
Asian Cheerleader Cavity Search 3
Fresh from his job as a plumbing-themed male stripper, black auteur Wesley Pipes probes every available orifice of a variety of Asians while entertaining the pretense of a vague cheerleader theme. The inventive Pipes is sure to use everything from his fingers all the way to his penis to explore the hidden secrets of these cheerleaders. One wonders why Pipes wasn't able to work a reference to interracial sex into the title. Something like "Chocolate Butt Baggage Screeners: Asian Cheerleader Cavity Search 3" would certainly fulfill the requirements and is not an excessively long title by porn industry standards. Maybe he was just too tired after a long day at the office searching cavities.
It's tough for me to fully comprehend bisexual porn. You've got straight porn, gay porn, and recently even a smattering of real lesbian porn. So you would think a bisexual person, male or female, could just buy some gay porn and some straight porn and everything would be fine. Somehow I'm not buying the idea that these movies are made for budget shoppers who just can't afford two porn movies. As for the content, I'm imagining a regular porn scene where two guys are double teaming a woman, everything is going fine, and then one dude decides to start sucking the other guy's dick. Instead of crying orgy foul everybody just goes with the flow. Based on the cover for this one the women are getting the top billing and the majority of the cover space, which, uh I guess means it's targeted for men. I don't know, I don't "get" this niche.
Crack Addict 2
This Xray shows that you need a filling. Get it?! Filling?! Like with a man's penis! HAHAHAHAHAH!
Don't get your hopes up like I did. "Crack Addict 2" has nothing to do with smoking rock; it's yet another tiresome all-anal movie. By the way, who exactly is buying all of this anal porn? I understand having an ass fetish, but the reviews for these sorts of movies are inevitably filled with excitement at every gaping anus shot ("gapes beautifully" is a phrase I fail to identify with on all levels). Guys, one distended anus is almost guaranteed to be identical to any other distended anus. It's like looking at pictures of different ants from the same anthill and becoming excited when one of them is missing a leg.
Gobble the Goop
Sounds like somebody opted to take the Physical Challenge on this week's "Double Dare". See if you can dig the third key out of this pit of lukewarm genetic code using only your mouth and a cake funnel! Mark Summers will be lining up the tassels on his living room rug for weeks to come after witnessing just one gulp of the unborn babies in this movie.
The title combined with the cover (Not Work Safe) of this movie are terrifying. If it were just gay porn like the title makes you think it wouldn't be as scary, but somehow ugly women in ill-fitting vinyl lingerie is infinitely more terrifying. Are they going to do the manhammering or are they going to be manhammered? You can just tell from the picture that neither woman speaks a word of English. They look to be Eastern European imports, probably hoodwinked onto a tramp steamer in Poland with a promise of a better life in America and then drugged and shipped to a black market doctor in Georgia who makes breast implants out of hockey pucks and sterilizes his instruments in his own mouth. From there, like all things once-pure-now-ruined, they were packed into a secret compartment inside a truck's trailer and dumped at a porn studio that has its offices inside a storage rental facility in suburban Los Angeles. There they remain to film porn, sleep on grease stained concrete, and subsist on cigarette butts and human hair.
The bottom of the barrel has been found. Porn studios are now naming movies after cereal brands.
Road to Atlantis
First season of "Hercules" or porn blockbuster?
These days "big budget" in the porn industry almost inevitably means that between 100 and 500 thousand dollars were spent making the movie and that the film will, with absolute certainty, include appallingly bad CGI effects. It could be something as simple as a lens flare flying around in a scene as a "sex angel" or it could be something as complex as a Poser stock model of a dragon appearing in terrible blue screen sequences with the actress and/or actors. I have not seen Hustler's "Road to Atlantis", but I am willing to bet a sizable amount of money that it features bad CGI of the dragon level.
Strip Tease Then Fuck 5
More porno movies need to use their title to literally describe their sex scenes. Unfortunately, then there would be thousands of "Exchange oral sex, move through three positions of intercourse, and proceed to cum shot unless budgeted for anal" rendering the already overcrowded roster of porn movies completely incomprehensible.
That Bitch Ate Our Witch
This movie is the hands down winner of the "What the Fuck Were They Thinking?!" award. Not only is the title completely insane, but it has a box cover (Not Work Safe) to match. I almost want to watch it just to find out what it's about. Actually, it's probably a compilation video of blowjobs. The porn industry has a way of pretending to be original and then delivering the most tedious crap you can imagine. Although I guess figuring out new places to stick stuff might be a job better suited for engineers.
World's Smallest Pussy
I would think that the world's smallest vagina would belong to a baby, so wh…I…ugh. Shit.
In horror movies the monsters that remain almost entirely in the shadows are inevitably the scariest thanks to your brain's ability to fill in the blanks better than any special effects house could ever hope to. Just knowing that there are movies out there entitled "Manhammer 3" and "World's Smallest Pussy" is enough to get my own mental wheels spinning. As a result, I believe I need a shower.