Cobra After-Action Report: The Great Alaskan Land Grab (part one)

This article is part of the Cobra After-Action Report series.

Tomax and Xamot have always struck me as the most rational actors in the pantheon of Cobra. For starters, they exist almost entirely outside the hierarchy of the organization, meaning they are not subject to the fickle plans of Cobra Commander. Unlike Destro or the Dreadnoks they also maintain a legitimate and apparently successful front. Extensive Enterprises has its own corporate tower in an undetermined major American city, suggesting the nefarious twins at the very least have a great deal of capital between them.

You would think that identical twins capable of managing a major corporation would be capable of devising at least a basic terrorist plot with a slim chance of success. You know, something along the lines of filling a truck with fertilizer and parking it outside a tourist spot or something. Alas, failure clings to Cobra like scrambled eggs cling to cast iron, and the ones you would think are the most able-minded have devised perhaps the dumbest plot yet for Cobra.

Tomax and Xamot, with the resources of a major corporation that apparently includes the most retarded legal department since Enron, have set their sights on Alaska. That's a good start. Alaska is a remote state, making it more vulnerable than the Continental United States to military attack. It's also sparsely populated, meaning the civilian population can be easily suppressed by a few shows of strength and a handful of public executions. Most importantly, Alaska is rich in natural resources. Billions of dollars in oil and minerals await exploitation by Cobra.

"So, here's our bad idea..."A worthy objective does not mean Cobra will rely on an intelligent plan. To the contrary, the scheme devised by Tomax and Xamot is, as I mentioned, possibly the dumbest yet to come out of the Cobra brain trust. They plan to steal a copy of the Seward treaty from a GI Joe convoy, simply to confirm that there is a section of the treaty that stipulates that the person who owns the Great Seal of Alaska (a gem-encrusted cup) owns the state. It turns out Tomax and Xamot know a Russian immigrant and used car salesman named Georgi who happens to own a bedazzled cup. With Georgi's fake cup, Cobra can seize Alaska.

Now, you may be wondering, "Why steal the treaty just to read it?" or "Why involve Georgi if his cup isn't even the real cup?", but I implore you to forget those questions, because there are far dumber things afoot. Namely, why would Tomax and Xamot assume that a forgotten legal loophole would allow a world-renowned terrorist organization to seize Alaska totally unopposed by the global community? I have a feeling even Canada would be up in arms if Al Qaeda found a deed to Florida in a locker somewhere and set up beheading shop in the Magic Kingdom.

Of course, thanks to the bumbling of GI Joe and the governments of the world, Tomax and Xamot's plan may just succeed. We're getting a head of ourselves. Let's have a look at the forces Tomax and Xamot have at their disposal for this operation.

THEATER COMMAND Tomax and Xamot THEATER ASSETS The Baroness "Honest" Georgi Potemkin (a used car salesman) A loose interpretation of international laws and treaties CORPS LEVEL ASSETS 1/286th Tele-Viper Battalion "The Fightin' Beeps" Platoon Detachment 4th Rattler Squadron "Death's Ejectors" 1st Company 3rd Very Light and Fragile Armored Hiss Battalion 26th Cobra Light Rifle Regiment "The Dizzy Sharpshooters" KNOWN OPPOSING FORCES Alaskan State and National Guard and civilian police forces The military of the Soviet Union The military of the United States of America Possibly a lost colony of 19th century Russians living in a city of ice Frostbite GI Joe and their Red October counterparts PRIMARY OBJECTIVES Seize the Seward treaty by which the United States purchased Alaska and use a forgotten clause to hand control of the state and all its territory over to a used car salesman. SECONDARY OBJECTIVES Profit from the sale of the state to some entity willing to risk the ire of the entire global community.

Are Tomax and Xamot bad enough dudes to take over Alaska? Can GI Joe protect a 19th century treaty? What about the city of ice lost to time? Why am I asking a bunch of rhetorical questions? What's wrong with me? Is it a mental problem or some sort of chemical imbalance? Have I been hypnotized? Could it be Dr. Mindbender?

The answers to some of these questions can be found on the following pages!