Google Future - America Responds to Disaster
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FEMA Provides Fake Aid to Quake Victims
Danger Merchant - October 26th, 2012By Percy Jitters Earthquake ravaged Los Angeles received some much needed relief from FEMA today after a long wait. FEMA teams began handing out shoe boxes with "MRE" written on the side and a large mural of FEMA workers rescuing people from rubble was painted on the rubble in which several dozen are believed to be trapped. FEMA plans to follow this effort by trucking in several million gallons of stone soup to be distributed to those without food or water. President Clinton to Stare Meaningfully at Satellite Photos of Area BBC News Congress Pledges Infinity Plus 1 Dollars of Aid to Region AP Bad Real Estate Choices - LApocalypto - Quake & Fault Fancy - Foxwire all 2,433 news articles |
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Iraqi Parliament Pledges U.S. National Guard to Help Volcano Refugees
Stars & Stripes & Horse Shoes - October 27th, 2012By Jut Lanternchin The Iraqi Parliament has voted 89 to 23 in favor of redeploying three battalions of U.S. National Guard troops to assist refugees fleeing the eruption of Mount Saint Unfortunate in Utah. "We can probably spare them for a few days," commented Iraqi Defense Minister Robert Addington. Iraq expects to redeploy the battalions "as soon as a single brigade of the Iraqi Army has completed its training and stepped up to take the place of the American units." 'When They Least Expect It': Time to Invade Iran? Horrid Green Footballs Well, Well, Well, the Volcano Caused Global Warming Scientific Contrarian Sinister Caliphate Today - Cynical Opportunist - Santorum - Foxwire all 824 news articles |
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Deadly Drought May Effect the Taste of CokeGeorgia's Last Remaining Industry Monthly - October 27th, 2012By Chug Popso The drought that has slain more than three hundred in the Atlanta area may have a detrimental impact on America's favorite soft drink. According to Coca-Cola they may be forced to reduce their usage of water drawn from Atlanta city aquifers. "We intend to fight this all the way," stated Coca-Cola VP Johnny Zero. "If our hand is forced, we do have a delicious substitute for water derived from acetyl alcohol and our own secret blend of artificial flavors and unstable polymer chains." Insatiable Red Cross Craves More Human Blood Foxwire VirtuWater: How the Drought is Helping Second Life Wired Beverage Bulletin - Big Gulper - Free Market Times - Foxwire all 906 news articles |
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Monkeypox Pandemic Prompts Giddy High-Fives at CDCMouth-Breathing Vaccine-Fearer Quarterly - October 28th, 2012By JON RAPS-WITH-EAGLES The 2,985 cases of monkeypox diagnosed this week in the central United States officially raises the monkeypox outbreak to pandemic status and the CDC could not be happier. "Yo, suck on that," cheered Don Munglet of the CDC Arizona office. "We called this one, bitches. Like ten years ago, we called it. In your face, America!" CDC head Cynthia McMacentire hoped that the elevation to pandemic will "better educate the public in regards to why we rule and they drool." FEMA Ships Quarantine Trailers to Pacific Abyssal Trench New York Times Paris Hilton Has Seen a Monkey One Time in a Cartoon USA Today Disease Scarer - American Panic Medical Journal - Foxwire all 4,004 news articles |
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$100B Flood Relief Package Includes $98B for Dick Museum in Branson, MissouriHapless Yokel Standard - October 28th, 2012By Rhett Rocket Congress has passed a controversial 100 billion dollar emergency relief bill for the northern Mississippi flood plains, where hundreds of thousands are homeless. To achieve a veto-proof majority the package sets aside 98.7 billion dollars for pork projects, including $98B to construct "The Branson Museum of Frigging Humongous Dicks." Construction of the museum will begin immediately. The remainder of the aid will be handed out by FEMA as debit cards to whoever is standing around when their truck stops. Victims are welcome to take as many cards as they can carry. Department of Homeland Security Lays Awake in Bed at Night and Wonders Why it Exists AP Chemtrails Seed Clouds With Bombs to Flood Mississippi YouTube Scientist Hooray Branson! - Branson Times - Branson News & World Report - Foxwire all 204 news articles |
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Scientology Field Team Measures Unprecedented Thetan Activity at Bridge CollapseMinneapolis Tribune - October 29th, 2012By Kudzu Hatebeam The Church of Scientology has released its latest e-meter scans of the collapsed Gudsaar Bridge site. According to the Scientology team, the collapse may have been caused by unprecedented Thetan activity just before the collapse. "There was ectoplasm all over the place," commented a man selling books. "We'll have to consult Hubbard's Spirit Guide before we can fully understand the cause of the collapse. I would check myself, but it's OTVII and I haven't leveled up enough fighting crabs to be able to use the book." Beck: "Hillary Clinton doesn't care about Thetans." TMZ.com Scientologists Offer Medical Degree in Correctometrics Matrix-Schmatrix Tom's Crews - Travoltin': The World's #1 Travolta Zine - Foxwire all 7,564 news articles |
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FEMA "Totally Prepared" for Extinction-Level Meteor Impact
AP - October 29th, 2012By SPITTING TURK Spokespeople for FEMA mounted a press blitz today to reassure concerned citizens that the agency is ready to cope with the aftermath of the upcoming J76/Ballswick meteor impact. "We have crisis teams standing by and ready to respond," assured FEMA head Paul Wiggles. Critics say Wiggles has no reason to be optimistic. "He has never held a job before this one," explained Internet researcher TitLovr69. "I found his resume and it's just an explanation of how you can turn a piece of licorice into a straw by biting both ends." Rocket Full of Lingerie Models and Senators Sets Out for Research Mission to International Space Station High Times Richard Dawkins Scoffs at Prayers for Meteor to Miss, Fires Up Solitaire UPI Doomsday for Kids - Welp... - Nostradamus Illustrated - Foxwire all 364 news articles |
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