Your Guide to Holiday Binge Eating
Let's get one thing straight: corn should be the closest thing to a vegetable that enters your mouth during Thanksgiving. Don't believe me? Some of the greats of the Thanksgiving table -- including 5-time Magnússon family champion, Magnús Ver Magnússon -- were once disqualified for tasting the sprig of parsley that garnished their mountains of food. That being said, think of corn as the little yellow canary in the coal mine known as your bowels. In the week following Thanksgiving, it's important to sift through your bowel movements, looking for these little yellow nuggets of treasure in order to insure that the 20 pounds of food you inhaled are actually passing through your digestive system. I've mentioned colostomy bags enough, but I can't stress the importance of discovering your bowel obstructions while they can still be treated. Otherwise, you won't even be permitted to sit at the kids' table next year -- but you can at least use your accessory to scare people away from the good spots on the couch when it's time to watch football. I'll let you weigh out the pros and cons of this one.
On Thanksgiving, the booze is already going to be flowing like Niagara Falls thanks to the deep-seated resentment and hostility in your family that's never given a proper outlet. Alcohol also serves a very practical purpose besides making incoming passive-aggressive comments about your lifestyle palatable; it removes all doubt from the mind. Sure, you may be asking yourself "Do I really want to do this to my body?" in front of all of those heaps of steaming food-mounds, but after a few glasses of spiced rum, you'll be on your sixth plate and racing your shirtless uncle to the bathtub so that one of you (the winner) can vomit. As long as everyone is toasted, everyone is happy; and you may just be drunk enough to forget about the poor parenting skills that made you into the insecure, human train wreck that you are. If not, nothing makes a better chaser than tears!
Ever since the first caveman shoved one animal into another animal and the smaller animal was all, "It's a living," there has never been a more decadent food than stuffing. No one knows what's in stuffing, but given the name of its most popular brand, stuffing is probably composed of what you find when you clean off your stove top. It also happens to be the healthiest food you will eat during Thanksgiving, so don't be surprised if your family confuses you for fitness superstar John Basedow when you polish off your fourth helping of this mystery dish. This healthy quality of stuffing contributes to its practical purpose as a kind of roughage that regulates the movement of food through -- yep, you guessed it -- the bowels! Successful Thanksgiving meals are followed by a three-day bathroom visit known in many eating circles as "The Passing;" this is why most businesses let their employees also stay home on Friday. In between screams and the sounds of a clenched fist slamming against porcelain, you sure will be thanking your lucky stars that stuffing is keeping your rectum from prolapsing! Thanks, stuffing.
In closing, I hope this article is of use to those brave Americans who are about to sit down for the battle of wills and digestion known as Thanksgiving. If you happen to be from a country that doesn't celebrate Thanksgiving, this article won't be very helpful, so I apologize that you are from such a lousy country and I hope everything works out. And if you happen to be poor, you can apply my advice to the off-brand macaroni and cheese I see in donation boxes that you must be so fond of.