PharaohTech Year-End Update
What Does This Mean for You?
As a SLAVE, you may be wondering what changes the PharaohTech/AMC merger will have in store for you, and if this new partnership will bring the quick, painless death you pray for on those nights you are allowed sleep. Using a new AMC-engineered technology known as "Patronizing," we'll provide you with a few hints of what to expect in the next year.
- Lasers: You may not know what they are, but they will be fired at you constantly. We suggest you avoid them, if possible. Note: avoiding lasers fired at you by a supervisor is a punishable offense that will result in more lasers.
- Health Benfits: You will continue to receive zero health benefits. We have decided to keep this policy to make the corporate transition easier.
- Anal Probing: Expect anal probing to drop by nearly 85% over the next month. We really didn't learn anything from this program last year, other than the fact that it stopped being fun after about a week.
- Casual Fridays: Have never existed at PharaohTech. They will continue to not exist. Talk of them will result in a two-day extension of Please Help Me I Am So Thirsty Thursdays.
- Since they are so hard to draw, all bird hieroglyphics will be replaced with images of spiders. Special thanks to Todd for the tip.
- The latest advancements in building and torment technologies, which will be used to construct impossible structures and determine the exact breaking point of the human spirit.
- We still don't know what happened to your baby. Please stop screaming this question in your sleep.
As you can plainly see, our new partnership is clearly best for everyone except you, and that's always been the primary goal of our business plan. When even the energy to commit suicide has been drained from our loyal workforce by the end of the day, we know we've done our job. That's the PharaohTech difference.
Best Wishes from Our Loyal SLAVEs!
As a change of pace from our normal conclusion telling you to have a happy new year, and also because it would cut down on productivity if you actually had a happy new year, we've decided to end this annual PharaohTech newsletter with messages from your fellow SLAVEs on their belief in the future of the PharaohTech/AMC merger. We think it will distract you briefly from the unending gauntlet of anguish that is your life.
"I am excited for PharaohTech and hope this means I can have my foot back this year."
"You will give me some water if i say a nice thing? Say PharaohTech makes me happy? What is happy?"
"Nothing will change. I want to die, but to say I am truly alive is blasphemy."
"Good. I'm sick of drawing so many birds. Half of our alphabet is goddamned birds. Thanks, Todd."