Society of Amateur Time Travelers Historical Updates for 20 March
We are the Society of Amateur Time Travelers. We endeavor to unlock the past's most juicy secrets and witness firsthand the moments that shaped the modern world. Should an enemy of the Society attempt to alter the timeline, or by accident one of our own cause a detrimental change to history, we will intervene to restore order and balance.
The Society keeps extensive records of every alteration to the timeline, no matter how small or inconsequential. Members are advised to check this log upon return from past or future, and certainly before departing from the present.
- A critical fix was applied to the timeline, deleting an unfortunate incident where Society member Herold accidentally spilled Mountain Dew on the original copy of the Magna Carta.
- Society member Geoff is working hard to fix what is now referred to as "The Great Chicago Fire." This unfortunate incident occurred when the Taco Bell burrito Geoff brought with him to 1871 became highly unstable by the quantum bombardments of time travel and ignited.
- R.I.P.: Society member Charlie was burned alive in the Salem Witch Trials for accidentally showing up in a Slipknot t-shirt.
- Welcome back! Society member Taylor went back in time and rescued Society member Alan mere moments before he was fatally bitten by a snake on the Oregon Trail.
- R.I.P.: Society member Taylor, who sadly passed away following a lethal snake bite he received on the Oregon Trail.
- Society member Steve intervened to save the dignity of Society member Pete, who was mere seconds away from accidentally having sex with his own mother 20 years in the future.
- Society member Jeff Jr. fixed an unfortunate deviation that resulted in Neil Armstrong delivering a racist and profane tirade upon first setting foot on the moon.
- A regrettable time loop caused by Society member Chad has been closed. Chad traveled back in time to bully his verbally abusive step-father Roger as a child. Unfortunately, Roger was only such a jerk because Chad reminded him of a childhood bully that really got under his skin.
- Society member Dennis fixed a regrettable blunder caused by Society member Martin that resulted in the Panama Canal being built in Texas.
- R.I.P.: Society member Rod was eaten by a saber-tooth tiger for the third time.
- Fixed an error where some crude drawings of naked ladies Society member Erik made on cave walls ended up being mistaken for ancient caveman drawings of rhinos.
- Welcome back! Society members Shawn, Guillermo and Mark are all returning to active duty following their rescue from recorded death at the hands of lions.
- Society member Randy is recovering from a harrowing ordeal in which he was Shanghaied and forced to serve aboard a clipper ship for eight months in 1893. Society members are catching him up on all the comics he's missed.
- R.I.P.: Society member Terry was killed by the robot he brought back from the future. The one with the buzzsaw hands and laser-pointer eyes we all said was going to kill him.
- Society member Ralph finally turned up. He traveled back in time to lose weight and get in shape. He managed to lose 7 pounds. Congrats Ralph!
- Society member Doug has been placed on temporary probation after nearly erasing Shark Week 2010 from the history books.
- R.I.P.: Society member Gerald was accidentally shot in the head by William S. Burroughs while playing a parlor game (charades).
- Welcome back! Society member Fred is back on active duty following his rescue from an eighteenth century sanitarium. Please don't comment on his new head scars. He's very sensitive about them.
- Level 3 Anomaly Alert! Jeff Sr.'s attempts to prevent himself from walking in on a naked Benjamin Franklin led to naked Benjamin Franklin becoming unstuck in time. The Founding Father has been showing up throughout history completely naked and confused. Society members are urged to help stamp out this deviation before it causes lasting effects to the timeline.
- Evolution is saved! Society members Jerry and Milton repaired an earlier mistake that led to a young Charles Darwin being killed by several amorous tortoises.