Us guys at Something Awful, we're more than a bunch of cynics. We're also humanitarians. That's why when SA Forums member "Fat Swedish Hero" asked us to help him out, we were happy to oblige by sticking his glorified sale ad on some obscure page three people will read (only two of whom speak English):
I just want to see if there is any interest for these 10,000 bottles of Crystal Pepsi that I purchased in the summer of 1992. Once Pepsi said that they were going to discontinue the line, I basically bought what I thought would amount to a lifetime supply. Recently I've done some calculations and it seems like I won't have enough to last past my 83rd birthday. Knowing that I won't be assured of being able to drink Crystal Pepsi in my old age, I'm not too sure what to do anymore. I am 45 now and I've never been married, I don't even have any kids to support me in my old age, so that was pretty much all I had to look forward to. Frankly I'm not sure it's even worth it, I've thought of just blowing my brains out the day I take that last sip but I have to admit I am too much of a coward. I don't even know if I will live to 83, my family isn't known for it's longevity, but I don't really want to risk it. I have to try to get my life together, maybe if someone will take these bottles off of my hands I can finally get my wheel chassis on my RV and get out of this town and find a decent paying job.
Things are getting pretty desperate and Fat Swedish Hero really needs some help. Please, think of someone other than yourself for once, you greedy prick!
This update was fun to write because I have been involved with journalism in some form or another for a long, long time.
If you are a student journalist and this piece offended you, I want you to sit back, take a deep breath, and realize you've just been offended by a Web site called "Something Awful." If you're still angry, go ahead and send me that 10,000-word email full of semicolons and huge words that aren't used properly. Then consider switching professions, since if you are a student journalist and you were offended by this, you're undoubtedly one of the people the article was aimed at and you need to go back to work at your dad's carwash.
And thanks to SA Forums member Crok for once again making my medocrity stick out even more with his awesome drawings. I'll be able to pay you one day, Crok!
This week we took a gander at the Gary Busey blockbuster "The Gingerdead Man." Next time we're doing a little ditty I like to call "How to Make a Monster," followed by "Urban Menace." I'm amazed the sheer amount of positive feedback for both my reviews and my updates, and I honestly try to respond to every email. If you don't get a response, it's probably because you were one of the three idiots who wrote in to suggest a review of "Brokeback Mountain" this week. So to everyone else who writes in, thank you! I appreciate whatever you have to say, so long as your email doesn't contain "!!!11!" in the header!
The fifth phase of the week is upon us. Shops close, bars open, and we are free from the Bosses once more. But They Who Were Before Time await our tribute...
Hungry? Try looking around for a little something called ASTRONAUT FOOD. Or you can hold out until you get to Pluto and look for some berries... if you want to starve to death!
We'd like to thank Mr. Elba for taking the time to make this possible.
The Daily Dirt serves as a column for all Something Awful frontpage writers to write about, well, whatever they feel like putting into the Daily Dirt!