UNDISPUTED FACT: Every night you sleep, you inhale ninety spiders. Unfortunately, you ONLY DIGEST THREE OF THEM!

If this happens to you, consult the dating manual.YOU MAKE ME DO THIS TO YOU

On the last Daily Dirt I asked you bums to send me your questions about GIRL TROUBLE so I could answer them. Here goes something!

Hello Prof. Servo,

Lately I've found myself very trouble with girls; I'm a 1337 gamer and have very many girlfriends online. I've maxed out friends lists on all 4 of my epic 60s on Archimonde just keeping track of them. Not a problem? Well when I innocently IP sniffed and tracked down my clan mate Shalonda, 60 female Troll Hunter, she turned out to not only be human but also a male Walmart worker. My question I guess would be, where and how can I find myself real Troll hunter? Please Prof. Servo, my bi-annual cosplay convention is nearing and I just had my mom finish off my furry fox suit and need a mate.

- Matt "toucheshimselfatnight" Charleton

Matt, you've learned something that it takes many of us years and years to figure out: there are no women on the internet, and if there were, very few would be level 60 troll hunters. We're talking level 32, tops. And until an MMORPG comes out where you play as a scented candle, the internet will be free of women.

Here is an e-mail from a woman.

I have a girl dilemma. I shower in the morning, and I can't seem to decide whether I should put my tampon in pre-shower or post-shower. If I put it in before I get in the shower, the string gets all soggy and clings in a really weird way that feels uncomfortable later. Also, I'm afraid more cotton sucking up water means less cotton sucking up uteral lining (and I have a fairly heavy flow). On the other hand, if I wait till I get out of the shower, things start leaking and I get really gross pink dots on the bath mat that my mother can never figure out. Also, sometimes I forget what day it is and towel-dry my crotch, and that's a disaster, since our towels are cream-colored. Please, help me with this problem! I have at least another 30 years of this to go and I don't want to deal with pink spots and soggy strings all my life!

Thanks in advance,
Jocelyn

Jocelyn, stop.

Please stop.

Just stop it right now.

Oh look another girl:

MAKE MY FUCKING PERIOD GO AWAY!

Forever.
Lisa

Well if you'd just get pregnant, you wouldn't have this problem, now would you?

That's enough from girls.

I love this girl I know so much that I want to stab any other men that walk within 10 feet of her. I'm not sure if she knows my name, but I do know that she is my soul mate. Do you think that I'm being over protective?

-A man who loves too much

Dear man, if you habitually stab the air in a ten foot radius around your girlfriend, no judge will convict you if anyone who walks into that air gets injured. However, you will have to do this every second of your waking life, which may cut down on your "us time."

Next Time, on THE DIRT

In the next exciting episode of The Daily Dirt, it'll be Q&A time again, but the topic is now BOY TROUBLE! If you have BOY TROUBLE, or are TROUBLED about being a BOY, I want to hear your questions! Just e-mail [email protected], and you may find yourself incriminated on the next non-mandatory installment of... THE DIRT!

– Bob "BobServo" Mackey

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