I want to thank my sister Renee from making the awesome Jasper pictures. If you would like let her know how much you like them, here is her e-mail.
People keep writing me asking why I hardly update anymore. Look, I don’t know how much clearer I can make this for you. We are through. I ended it in January and there is no chance of reconciliation at this point. Sure, we had our good times. Playing footsie at Applebee’s, climbing that banana tree, summers in Rome. But those times are over, you have to stop dwelling on the past and move on.
Don’t play fey with me. I know you have been seeing other writers like Pantsfish, Maxnmona, Acetone, Bobservo, and Docevil. You dirty slut.
I’m sorry I didn’t mean that. I don’t want this to get more messy than it already is. Let’s just be friends, okay?
Simply put, if I had Johnny Manziel’s physical gifts, you better believe I would be there in the Weight Room, getting to bed early, doing whatever I had to do to be the best possible athlete I could be. I wouldn't be posting on social media about sucking titties. I wouldn't even look at a titty, buddy. I'd look at a titty and see two big footballs.
A real friend doesn't move until the middle of August, ensuring temperatures in the 90s and a humidity that turns boxers into moist balls of ruined cotton.
Expendable? You must be joking.
The Daily Dirt serves as a column for all Something Awful frontpage writers to write about, well, whatever they feel like putting into the Daily Dirt!