Zack: You pass through many rocky pillars and stones on your way into the mountains. Five strange creatures of living rock stride out into the path and block your way forward. The first creature speaks. ""I am Krag of the rock men of the Barkel Mountains. We are the Barkel Mountains; there is a toll for crossing this stretch of trail. Pay or go back."
Steve: "Fair rock maven, what is this toll of which you intone?"
Zack: "The toll to pass into our mountains is 500 pieces of gold."
Steve: Do I have that much?
Zack: No. You spent it all on your axe.
Steve: "Rocky miss, perhaps I can make an alternative offer to pay with an item of powerful magic. This great axe has slain many foes and contains a power even the gods would envy."
Zack: "We will accept this offer."
Steve: I hand them the axe to their FACE with an incredible ferocity!!!Zack: The Decider cleaves through the nearest rock man and he complains of its rocky body. The other rock men are shocked by your onslaught.
Steve: "Back to where you belong, devil rock!" Dean Snakehands barks in a frenzy of boulder-busting swings.
Zack: You're just doing this because of the picture.
Steve: I admit, I did get the inspiration for my plan from the picture, but the subterfuge I cooked up was vintage Dean Snakehands.
Zack: Subterfuge or no you are taking a terrible beating from the rock men. Two of them are dead, but they are made out of rock and very angry.
Steve: Dean Snakehands redoubles his efforts. He is not about to be waylaid by these stone strumpets! "Have at your bouldery gizzards, ye geological highwaymen!"
Zack: After a stirring combat in which your arms and face are punched repeatedly you prove victorious. You level up!
Steve: I'm putting all my points in elf hate-karate.
Maria Mitchell is shown holding a telescope to each eye, using them to ogle passing hunks on the street below. OOOGA! Her tongue rolls out like a firehose, her eyes comically bulging through the ends of the telescopes.
The Internet experience of 2014 has been condensed into a single article for your convenience.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.