Zack: From the book: "You see in the distance a solitary peak in the center of a plane one-half mile square. Your hearts tell you this is your goal, this is The Rock. This mighty pillar of stone has a flat summit and steep sides. The base is roughly rectangular, but The Rock becomes more circular near the summit. As you approach, you see someone standing at the base of The Rock, about 200 yards away The person sees you and yells, 'Flee! You are in terrible danger! Flee for your lives!'"
Steve: Yeah, sure, okay. Let me just do that. I continue forward.
Zack: "You ride closer and see a lovely young woman chained to The Rock. Her clothing is purple and yellow, but frayed and tattered; her golden hair is dirty, and she wears a tarnished silver tiara. Her face is blotched with grime, her features pale and drawn with pain and loneliness. In a shrill
voice she shoults to you. 'Flee for your lives! An old hag who loathes my beauty has imprisoned me here until I die, old and ugly. Flee before she returns to punishyou for daring to come near me!'"
Steve: Alright, question number one: does she look like she has any way to karate fight me if I get in there close?
Zack: She's chained up and she looks weak and really, super lonely.
Steve: "M'lady fair, I have hailed from the ice shelves of the forbidding north all these leagues to rescue you. Long have I squandered my hooves to reach this precious moment and now I ask in return for my heroic deed only the velveteen raunchiness of your horny embrace."
Zack: "No, you mustn't, I'm far too horny for this embrace. Quickly, flee, before the hag returns and catches us doing it hard and flies into a fury at the sight of our eroticism."
Steve: Dean Snakehands is throwing aside all weapons and clothing and getting it on with this magnificent maiden.
Zack: You run to her smacking your lips and reaching out and...
Zack: ...it's awesome. You do it for like three hours and it's the best.
Steve: Yess! I figured she would be some monster. They're always monsters.
Steve: "Lady fair that was the best doing it I have ever rendered!" Dean Snakehands declares with a gruff holler and a flex of his bicep. "What was that monster you were warning me about?"
Zack: Suddenly, the image of the beautiful, disheveled hot babe dissolves before you, revealing not a bodily awesome hottie, but a facially heinous witch-crone. "Ha ha ha! I am the guardian of The Rock and I was put here to lure travelers to their doom and you actually did it with me for three hours without noticing that I'm a horrible monster!"
Steve: Nooooooooooo! Dean Snakehands falls to his knees in defeat. "Decider why did you not save me from this fate worse than death!?"
Zack: You see Decider is laying on top of a witch's broom next to where you were doing it with the super ugly, horrible, smelly old lady.
Steve: I grab the Decider and march off towards The Rock. "Let us never speak of this again, old friend."
Transgressive author Chuck Palahniuk is here to help with tips and tricks to hacking your life.
Not what I had in mind when I ordered an Italian gondolier. This is literally just a tiny toy. Needless to say, the Italian businessmen were not impressed and I looked like a damn fool. We lost the pizza pie account and will have to lay off half our factory.
Time to applaud the man who applauds in a loop until the end of time.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.