Zack: The crystal slots perfectly into the hatch. Its glow dims slightly. You pull the lever and the locks loudly disengage. The hatch begins to swing open.
Steve: Getting our guns ready.
Zack: At first, the room is completely black. One by one, lights begin to flicker on, revealing an immense, spherical chamber of concrete. It is disturbing in its scale and precision and brutal in its plain design. A simple platform of iron grating with hand rails extends out into center of the chamber where there is a small pedestal with one of those crystals in it.
Steve: Not going out there.
Zack: On the platform in the middle of the chamber you see the slumped bodies of the Americans.
Steve: Burying the lead dude.
Zack: You were taken aback by the size of the room and weren't sure they were bodies at first. They're all heaped up there in the middle.
Steve: Betty is all, "I'm the radio expert, I can't go out there."
Zack: Gags would probably volunteer. Of the three of you he is certainly the most courageous.
Steve: "Yeah right, man, Bishop should go. Great idea!"
Steve: Wait, can we tell if any of the Americans are wearing those suits we found in the alcoves?
Zack: They do not appear to be wearing them.
Steve: On the other hand, if Gags puts on one of those stupid helmets he's not going to be able to see the monster that's about to eat his face. Then again, maybe that's the point.
Zack: He also won't be able to see the dead Americans.
Steve: Dang, what we need is a really long stick to just sort of pull them out of there.
Zack: It's about 200 feet from the center of the room to the hatch where you are standing.
Steve: Dang it. Okay, Gags is going. No helmet. But if anything happens he needs to book it back to the hatch.
And you thought women had one-dimensional script intros that treated them like sex objects. Ewoks have it even worse.
No one seems to like the new Doom box art. But it's still the same old Doom Guy under that space marine helmet. Right?
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.