Steve: Alright, it is Sunday evening and you and your companions are in the living room of your house having a party.
Zack: "I hope you all enjoyed the lemon chess pie. It is my great aunt Eloise's recipe. More Pim's Cup, Pips?"
Steve: He says no, he has to drive.
Zack: "You sure? I'd be happy to ring you up a driver so you can get shellacked."
Steve: Nobody wants anything to drink.
Zack: "Ooh, okay, well if y'all don't mind I'm going to top off my mint julep. Anybody seen my muddler?"
Steve: Regina is looking out the window and she notices your neighbor across the street, Mister Corbitt, has just pulled up in his car outside his mansion.
Zack: "He does do that. Sounds like him. Pulling up outside. Ooh, that's good old Mister Corbitt."
Steve: You do know him pretty well. He's a nice guy who sometimes gives you fruit and vegetable baskets from his garden behind his house. You remember there was some tragedy long ago where his wife died.
Zack: "Aww, that's sad. Here's to you, Mister Corbitt, and your dead wife." I salute his dead wife and drink some of my mint julep.
Steve: He gets out of his car and seems to check to see if he is being watched. Regina peeks out from behind the curtain and observes him as he goes to the trunk of the car and picks up two canvas-wrapped packages. She brings his strange actions to everybody's attention.
Zack: "Alright everybody, crowd around the windows." I show them how to sort of Dracula cape it with the lace curtains. "It's called camouflage."
Steve: Everybody watches as Mister Corbitt walks up to the door of his house. As he is opening the door he drops one of the packages and a white cylinder rolls out. Pips is the most keen-eyed among you and he spots a hand at one end.
Zack: He's stealing mannequins.
Steve: "My god, it's an arm!" Pips exclaims.
Zack: "A human arm?"
Steve: You feel horrible as you realize it is not just a human arm, but a child's severed arm. Mister Corbitt quickly picks it up and disappears into his mansion. A moment later a light appears behind the pulled shade in the basement window.
Zack: "Well this ain't good. We've got to find out what he's up to. How do y'all feel about creeping?"
Steve: Everyone agrees. Only Chang the Celestial seems unenthusiastic about creeping.
Zack: "It's okay," I say slowly and loudly to Chang. "In America killing baby arms is wrong."
Steve: You are familiar with Mister Corbitt's property, having visited it long ago when he was building a greenhouse.
Zack: "Then our investigation is afoot," I say merrily. "Or a baby arm."
Are we not allowed to be real parents anymore? We may have feared the CyborFreaks, but we damn well respected them and learned about boundaries.
A thousand years ago, dudes were dying from splinters, but now the wizard potion that cleans our light wounds costs less than a Dr. Pepper in 1994. I love this medicinal 7up.
Ron Paul spins in his chair, trying to grab his decorative antique musket but Freddy gets it first.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.