Zack: There is nothing that is not stupid about this thing. It's sort of making me mad.
Steve: I think it's like, sort of like a puzzle monster, I guess? Like the instinct would be to fight it and pry the gem off its head, but it doesn't want to fight, and if you pry the gem up it's worthless.
Zack: Oh, and by the way, it can will itself to die and has no fear or conception of death even though it has roughly human intelligence.
Steve: But it might just walk up and say, "Hey, guys, this gem on my face is worth 500 gold pieces."
Zack: What sort of life does a piece of shit like this make for itself in the D&D world? Is there a crude society of these useless fuckers just jabbering telepathically and admiring gems and casually dying because they don't give a fuck?
Steve: We've done enough of these that you should know the answer to the why: wizards. Created by wizards for wizardly reasons.
Zack: Man, fuck wizards!
Steve: Dude, I am with you 100%. Wizards are the pits.
Zack: Yep, my head gem is worth a fortune. Sure, I'll climb into that fucking basket. Go ahead and close the top. Oh, well, fuck my life.
Steve: It would be annoying if you had one of these as a pet and you forgot to feed him. He would just feel hungry and then die because he was hungry.
Zack: I would laugh if he did that, because fuck him. I would say, "Ha ha you armadillo piece of shit. I don't even care, your gem sucks. I hope you burn in hell."
Steve: I wouldn't laugh because he was a loyal friend and a good listener.
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.