Zack: Yo this was totally already in there when I came into the bathroom.
Steve: Better get Urza's plunger.
Zack: Oof. If we're lucky. Gonna need a whole platoon of goblins to snake that sucker.
Steve: I went over to Jamie's house one time at like two o'clock in the afternoon and he was still at soccer practice for like twenty minutes. The only person there was his sister Cece and she was super hot and I totally wanted to do it with her. So I go upstairs to wait in his room for him to get home and it smells to high heaven up there and then I go in the bathroom and there is this giant dookus jamming up the pipe.
Zack: Cece's payload?
Steve: I gotta figure. I mean she was the only one home and it was clearly fresh. Like there were still little carbonations coming up off of it. Looked like a Duraflame. The tip end of it actually cleared the water.
Zack: That's called a turtle-necker. What did you do?
Steve: Well I didn't notice until after I'd taken a leak and flushed. So I look down and the water is coming up to that little emergency divot thing. Right up to the lip of the toilet. Totally 100% plugged.
Zack: This didn't actually happen.Steve: Totally did. I heard Cece come running up the stairs and I was like ashamed of her poop. It was her poop, not mine, but I felt ashamed. So I could hear her pacing around out there and I realized there was no plunger, but there was a toilet brush.
Zack: Okay, I want this story to be over. Can we just say it's over and pretend you told the ending?
Steve: Fine, I'll just skip to the twist surprise ending: I totally did not ever hook up with Jamie's sister Cece, but I still sort of carry her shame poop as my own. To this day.
Zack: You always make me want to die, Steve.
It's true. Grimace is human. God help us, we did our best for him.
Your lair. Maybe you lure victims to it, maybe you hide in it between killings, or maybe you haunt it 24/7 because you’re tragically confined by a curse. Whatever the situation, for most of us monsters, a living/un-living space is an important part of our identities. In this column, Monstergeddon award winners share their lair tips and techniques!
The famed gonzo otaku journalist writes about the death of gaming culture in 2014.
Try not to break your console while I try not to break my cyber brain.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.