Zack: Alright, you and the guy who is definitely not Magneto are given the location of the next Breeder Bomb by Professor X. It's in Arganistan, which is exactly like Afghanistan, only different enough so it doesn't get sued for copyright infringement. It's currently being occupied by the Soviet military.
Steve: Wait, this is 1984, right?
Zack: That's right.
Steve: We are going to find and kill Osama Bin Laden, forever changing the course of history.
Zack: The X-Men have no idea who that is.
Steve: It's all starting to make sense. First the video tape that exactly predicted Wolverine killing Mentallo and now we're heading to Afghanistan with the chance to save America from 9/11. Magneto is in league with the Taliban. He has given the Taliban dirty bomb plans.
Zack: None of those things are correct and also it's Arganistan. Totally different place. No Osama.
Steve: Which is all part of Magneto's ruse. He's a clever one, I'll give him that.
Zack: Okay, as you are entering Arganistan Nightcrawler's Breeder Bomb detector goes off. Before you can turn your jet you feel an explosion on one of the wings. Nightcrawler manages to crash land the plane without doing too much more damage, but as you exit you see an army of Soviet Super Soldiers and the Crimson Dynamo approaching.Steve: "Looks like the Russians are in on your little plan, Magneto," Wolverine says and he grabs Magneto and marches him out of the plane. "Tell them to call it off or I'm going to stab you full of holes." And he puts his claws up to Magneto's throat and shouts for them to stop.
Zack: Again, not Magneto, but because your plan is so terrible I am going to say that after a short fight all of the X-Men are knocked out. You awaken to discover your plane repaired and all of the Super Soldiers pulled apart at the rivets. The letter "M" has been carved into the nose of your plane.
Steve: Or is it a "W"?
Zack: It's an M for fucking Magneto.
Steve: Are the X-Men robot duplicates now?Zack: No, and you're still pretty beat up from getting your asses kicked by the Russians.
Steve: Did Magneto escape?Zack: There is no sign of the prospector who is definitely, and I cannot stress this enough, with absolute certainty, not Magneto.
Steve: Damn, he got away. What about Magneto's bomb device?
Zack: It has been deactivated.
Steve: Clever move. He wants us to think he is on our side so he can lull us into a false sense of security, but why? Back to the jet. We're going to get to the bottom of this one.
Maria Mitchell is shown holding a telescope to each eye, using them to ogle passing hunks on the street below. OOOGA! Her tongue rolls out like a firehose, her eyes comically bulging through the ends of the telescopes.
The Internet experience of 2014 has been condensed into a single article for your convenience.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.