Steve: Hmmmm what will we fight in this chapter???
Zack: Your sensors locate the bomb in an old military barracks. You land the jet nearby and approach cautiously. As you do a shotgun blast shoots out the the door. "Don't come any closer!" cries a reedy voice from within. "This is my find!" You can see an old prospector lurking in the shadows.
Steve: Did Rogue regrow her boobs using Wolverine's healing factor?
Zack: I guess.
Steve: Okay Rogue takes them out and walks towards the building. It's a high-stakes game of boobs chicken. If it's a robot impostor it will shoot, if it's a real dude we'll know he's real because he won't shoot her boobs.
Zack: I refuse to allow this plan to work.
Steve: You're really sick you know that? You're going to shoot a woman in the boobs in your sick role-playing game world? That's how people act? Disgusting.
Zack: Folks, what Steve is doing here is called meta-gaming. Alright, it works. He puts down his gun and admits that he can't shoot Rogue's rack off with his shotgun.
Steve: The greatest super power of all vanquishes another.
Zack: The X-Men enter the barracks and meet the wiry old boob-loving prospector named Augie. He shows them his "find" which is a huge machine with computers. Nightcrawler identifies high levels of radiation around it and he says it's some sort of bomb.
Steve: Perhaps a breeder bomb? Shadowcat is good with computers so she'll hack into it and disable it.
Zack: She thinks it will take ten minutes.
Steve: She gets to work. The other X-men tie Augie up and interrogate him. "So Magneto thought you could guard this facility, did he?"
Zack: He doesn't know much of anything at all and has never heard of Magneto.
Steve: "We see about dat comrade," says Colossus and he turns into metal form and starts asking questions forcefully using his fists.
Zack: Okay, you beat the defenseless prospector until he confesses that he is Magneto. After nine minutes of working on the bomb Shadowcat says she's just about got it disarmed when SUDDENLY the wall collapses and towering Sentinel robots enter the room and attack!
Steve: "Friends of yours, Magneto?" says Wolverine and he attacks the nearest Sentinel.
Zack: Alright I'm just going to cut this battle really short and say you beat all the Sentinels even though each one has been custom-built to defeat the X-Men. The bomb is disarmed and the barrack is a smoldering ruin.
Steve: Okay, taking Magneto and the deactivated bomb with us in the jet.
Zack: That's not Magneto.
Steve: He confessed.
Zack: Professor X speaks directly into your thoughts and tells you that Augie is not Magneto.
Steve: How can we be so sure that the voice in our heads isn't Magneto? Wolverine says, "No dice, we've fallen for your traps and tricks enough already, Magneto. You're coming with us."
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.