Steve: Ah! This is just like my mom nightmares. Are all of my teeth going to fall out?
Zack: Did you eat a lot of candy?
Steve: Define "a lot" here.
Zack: Remember when you were a kid and you went trick-or-treating and when you got home you'd pour out the giant bag of candy onto the floor so your mom could make sure there were no peanut butter balls full of needles and razorblades?
Steve: No, because for Halloween we went to my dad's work at the air conditioning factory and we did the Halloween pageant and then all of the departments had candy bowls and we went to all of them but they were all individual wrapped candies and the only time I ever got anything homemade was one time a lady got upset about too much sugar and so they made tooth-care bundles with mini tooth brushes and mint toothpaste and a little spool of dental floss and anyway a lot of the managers would forget so we'd get dollar bills and MacDonald's coupons.
Zack: So you're saying you don't eat a lot of candy.Steve: I dunno. I sure can put away the Mike & Ikes and Snow Caps. Always got to have some candy for our gaming nights, but I don't eat candy for meals or whatever.
Zack: Then I'm sure your teeth won't fall out.
Steve: They'd better not, I need them to chew meat things and open plastic rings on drinks.
Zack: Back to the other nightmare, Yngwulf ascends the staircase and is confronted with a door blocked by a creepy three-headed, three-armed man. One of the man's heads appears to be a really ugly woman too.Steve: Does he seem glad to see me?
Zack: No. He seems the opposite of glad.Steve: "Foul triple-man, thou stand between me and my ruby prize. Remove yourself or face chord progression from the City of Brass!"
Zack: "You are an intruder here," said the creature. "You will not pass!" He seems to be readying his three fists to pummel you with.Steve: Pummel THIS and by THIS I mean a searing lick of Hobgoblin's Wicked Warcry, the fastest guitar solo this side of Blink Dog's Unhallowed Woof.
Zack: The triple-man stumbles back and the door behind him explodes into timbers. Your power chords explode meat from his bones and reduce him to a steaming pile of mutilated triple limbs. You stand in a chamber full of triple-women and triple-children. They are horrified by what you have done. "Papa!" wails one of the adorable three-headed tots.Steve: You were never supposed to see this, my babies! Oh no! I play a soothing ballad about a Githyanki traveling through the astral plane in search of the girl he loved.
Zack: The triples throw chairs and pieces of food at you and retreat through a passage in the western wall. There is a door to the south and the door you came through to the east.Steve: Guess I'll go through the door to the south.
And you thought women had one-dimensional script intros that treated them like sex objects. Ewoks have it even worse.
No one seems to like the new Doom box art. But it's still the same old Doom Guy under that space marine helmet. Right?
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.