Zack: You are in a long and crumbling hallway. You can hear the alarmed hooting of the triple-women and their triple-kids as they flee down whatever triple-hole they escaped. The hallway runs to the west. Ahead of you it turns north or continues west.
Steve: As a metal master born of the northern frost womb I will turn north and praise be to the ancient gods of legend.
Zack: The hallway continues north for some time. You come upon a door on the eastern wall and ahead you can see an archway. A foreboding archway.
Steve: Alright, well I'm not about to be intimidated by some sort of an archway, but let me check out this room first.
Zack: Oh, a free room, I get to make up the encounter. Okay, you hear the thumping bass line of solid house music as you open the door and surprise a group of acolytes. There is a wizard using cantrips to make flashing lights above a wide floor. Several acolytes are dancing with lady skeletons and seem very put off by you opening the door on their raver party.Steve: Dirty dancing?
Steve: Worshipers of Charmander, I offer but one warning. Release your ribby harlots and surrender your light show, renounce your conduct unbecoming and declare Charmander is the worst dude and a molester.
Zack: "Orrrrr what?" demands a beefy warrior acolyte with leather armbands with tassels around his bulging biceps.Steve: Or THIS and Yngwulf's fingers shriek through the solo from Balls of Vecna, demonstrating my soul-bending fret powers.
Zack: The beefy acolyte who challenged you is blasted with the smoking, frost blasts of sonic wreckage until he freezes in place and is covered with ice. You hit a sustained note and he shatters into flash-frozen giblets. The other acolytes are stunned and horrified. The lady skeletons clack in awe of your shredding power.Steve: I'm going to go around the room with one of my adventuring bags and make them put all their treasure in the bag.
Zack: They take off their rings and torcs and skeleton lady wigs and they place them into your loot bag.Steve: Thank you for your donations to the cause! Are there any other doors out of here?
Zack: No. Just the foreboding archway out in the hall.Steve: Time to confront that archway. Knock it down a peg or two.
Zack: As you approach the archway you can see that the hallway continues north but it is also intersected by another hallway running east and west.Steve: Okay, well I'm heading east.
Zack: As you pass beneath the archway you feel a click under your feet. Fortunately, no pit opens. You turn down the eastern corridor and ahead of you on the northern wall are two doors. There is a third door on the northern wall some ways down the hall, then the hall crumbles into ruins.
Steve: That archway wasn't so tough. I'm heading through the first door.
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.