Steve: So let me get this straight, we're taking off from the Planet of the Ants and a giant big enough to have a back map randomly accosts us to request we remove his space barnacles.
Steve: It's a good thing we traded all our coconuts for blaster rifles from the space ants.
Steve: "As heroes of space we will reward you with our footsteps, mighty hugeoid. Prepare to be boarded in your rear."
Zack: Gump reaches over to your ship and picks you up and puts you on his back. You're like dolls in his massive hands.
Steve: Wait a second, according to his back map his back is only like 30 feet from his pants to his head. Can't we just immediately see everything? Do we really need a map?
Zack: I suppose not. There are some plants up near his right shoulder and in the middle of his back there are a bunch of weird barnacle-looking things.
Steve: Does anything look like Captain Widowmaker could seduce it?
Zack: Maybe the barnacles if you get them drunk first.
Steve: No, a barnacle can't say yes and mean it when she's drunk. Captain Widowmaker relies on guile and his raw sensuality to overwhelm the defenses of freaky bacne monsters. Approach the barnacles cautiously.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Cons: causes bad nightmares. I used to have to eat beef until I passed out to have these kind of terrors, but this machine does it for me every time I fall asleep inside it.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.