Steve: I don't feel like you've fully bought into Acererak being a huge asshole yet.
Zack: No, I get it.
Steve: No, I don't think you do. I don't think anyone can who hasn't played this module. But let me do a little experiment with you. Is that cool?
Zack: Yeah, go for it.
Steve: Okay, you and your brave adventurers have managed to see through an illusion and find a secret passage. It dead ends, but then you search and find another secret door.
Zack: Riddles wrapped in enigmas.
Steve: Yeah, right, so you and your brave adventurers step into a chamber and find three chests. One is gold, one is silver, and one is made from wood. They look like this:
Zack: Hell yeah! Treasure time! Okay, the bard is worthless. I'll have him open the gold chest.
Steve: Bards rule, don't be ridiculous. But, okay, the bard creeps forward and opens the gold chest. And...
Zack: Ah! Snakes!
Steve: Asps, with deadly venom! The bard has sung his last!
Zack: Okay, right, my wizard is going to detect magic on the silver chest.
Zack: He'll open it.
Steve: He opens the chest and...
Steve: No saving throw, d6 damage each! That's bad news for a wizard.
Zack: Okay, I'm not falling for this again. The wood chest has to be okay, but the thief will check for traps.
Zack: Okay, the thief opens the chest!
Steve: Suck it, giant magic skeleton teleports out of the chest!
Zack: What!? No, you're making this up!
Steve: Nope, and it says after he teleports he always attacks first. Your thief is chopped up.
Zack: Damn you, Steve!
Steve: Don't damn me, damn the guy who puts three trapped chests behind two secret doors. Blame Acererak, the hugest asshole ever.
The CEO of Lobstero, makers of the expensive home Lobster System, responds to recent unfavorable headlines about hand-squeezing a lobster out of one of the company's Lobster Packs.
Should you call someone a Nazi? The answer will surprise you.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.