Zack: The adventure begins outside the Tomb of Horrors. The party has found the hill that houses the tomb. There is a picture of the exterior of the tomb included on the book's inside cover:
Steve: I want to go back!
Zack: At least the demi-lich made the tomb easy to find.
Steve: So are the pumpkin's eye holes the doors?
Zack: It says, "There are black rocks upon the top of the hill, and if these are viewed from a height of about 200' or so above the mound, it will be seen that the whole is shaped like a human skull, with piles of rock appearing as eye holes, nose hole, and the jagged teeth of a grinning death's head."
Steve: Those teeth don't look very jagged.
Zack: What are the odds you're going to be viewing this from 200 feet above the mound? Cut them some slack.
Steve: If those are big black rocks and not the entrances then how do you get into the Tomb of Horrors?
Zack: The book says you have to go to the reverse side, which is a gravel and sand cliff, and poke the ground with a 10 foot long spear. When you find an entrance it takes an hour to clear a way into the tunnel.
Zack: Imagine if you didn't bring a spear with you.
Steve: How could you not bring a spear? Those are like those folding multitool things of Dungeons & Dragons. Every worthwhile character sheet should start with 10' spear and then 50' hemp rope. Then a bullseye lantern and iron rations. Then you roll your stats.
Zack: Okay, there are three entrances that can be found on the cliff. The first one is a tunnel with a fake door and when you open the door the tunnel collapses and everyone is crushed for huge damage.
Steve: You don't even need to tell me. That was how our cleric died and then we found the other fake door and when we walked in a big stone block started moving to trap us. We managed to escape that one.
Zack: The third door is the real entrance to the tomb, but it still has pit traps in it and the pits are full of spikes and the spikes are covered with poison.
Steve: And the poison is covered with smaller spikes.
Zack: That are cursed.
I was betrayed by the bernio bros, the cougars, and this guy from back page I hired to keep me from jumping out a window at the DNC.
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.