From: "Frolixo"
Subject: Re:all the children are insane article

Are you a junior reporter or something? What is this, 60 minutes? If you must know, I own a ice cream truck and sell various cold snacks to grubby children. That's how I got to know kids, because I had to deal with them everyday. I saw firsthand the utter contempt these children had for my authority, waving a fistful of sticky pennies at me, with a total disregard for their appearance. Most of the time I would speed through the neighborhoods and watch the streaming flocks of children chase my truck to no avail. Then I would stop the truck so they could catch up with me, and then speed off again. The daily futile chase combined with their little sobs of disappointment invigorates me to no end. I was really doing them a favor as the chubby bratlings could stand to lose a few pounds.

Anyway, I sent you my picture so why don't you send me yours? It's only fair.


How would she take this new ice cream development? Am I pushing my luck? Who put chocolate in my peanut butter? It's a mystery.

From: "Sonia"
Subject: Re:all the children are insane article

I have news for you, life isn't fair. I said that I would consider sending you my picture. And no, I am not a junior reporter. I am just concered for these poor little children whom you plan to torture. And what do you care if these children are fat? You have no right to care for them. They arent your children. And, by the way, I never said anything about Barbies. If you read my email, and actually could read if you had an education and could spell right and use correct grammar, maybe you would have know that.

She really think's that I'm a power mad ice cream man that is hired by the school district to torture children in the name of progress. This is becoming painful. Painful with laughter that is! Alas it looks like my plan to get her picture and start e-dating is not panning out. So lonely.

From: "Frolixo"
Subject: Re:all the children are insane article


I apologize for yelling. You bushed my buttons, claiming I have no education. I made it to 9th grade before I went off to fight the war, and even studied my books while zips threw frag grenades at my bunker. You think it's easy being a Ice Cream Man that is in charge of the children of the future? Not so fast My Little Pony, it's a hard job and needs discipline. You say I torture children? Not so. Children torture themselves by their actions and misbehavior, I am just fixing their thought process by putting them in apple crates filled with spiders and rolling them down hills. Do you have a better idea?? Do you think you can fill my shoes teaching the kids of tomorrow how to survive in the fast paced world to today? I think not.

Dr. Frolixo (M.D)

Apple crates with spiders is the new "Hooked on Phonics".

From: "Sonia"
Subject: Re:all the children are insane article

Actually, yes, I think I could do a better job than you ever could. And I know I don't know everything just becuase I read books. You were a child once. Why don't you deserve to be treated as a dog? And how do you suppose stuffing them into little tiny crates with spiders is going to help their thought process? And please, don't call me your Little Pony.

Ok, this is way too easy. It could really could go on for years, but my time is short and I have to watch my archived Sanford and Son episodes.

I decide to take this baby all the way. Let's bring it home!

From: "Frolixo"
Subject: Re:all the children are insane article

Listen here Strawberry Shortcake, I work my fingers to the bone dispensing justice to these ignorant snotlings, and I'm tired of hearing a sassy girl like yourself pretending you know all about my problems! I am so dedicated to solving this children issue that It caused my wife to leave me and take the car while I was napping with some young boys that stepped on my lawn. Don't pretend to know my troubles!

Only when the flesh of the child is peeled back in the fires of redemption shall this earth be clean of it's filth. Wombs are spilling forth their poison contents, blackening the very ground it defiles. The day of reckoning is nigh, for I am the black knight that will lead the charge against the hordes of unclean! Hear my words and flee before them, for my PLAN is in action, the keys of power are mine!! The children of America will part before me like the Red Sea, and only then will they know to obey my word as law or face their damnation!!!

Detective Frolixo Stive Gonzales

(ps- sending my pic again so hopefully you will send yours. ^__^ )

My mad plot is revealed at last, frightening her enough not to send a response. I would like to think that she finally got that this whole thing is a joke, and that Something Awful is not a site that presents serious solutions to solving the worlds problems, but in my heart I know that she'll never get it. I weep for the future.

– Reid "Frolixo" Paskiewicz

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