I, like anybody else who has an email account, am sick as hell of the fucking Nigerians emailing me and asking me to give them access to my bank account so they may give me a bazillion jillion dollars. This Nigerian email scam has been going on for quite some time now, but it's really been picking up steam lately thanks to a few key critically stupid members of society who actually email these bozos back with their checking account information. How can anybody with brain waves more active than a wine cellar possibly fall for this? Are there actually individuals who find it plausible that a Nigerian man would pick their email address out of "Yahoo's Big Book of Cool People" and offer them the opportunity to pick up a check for $45 million? Apparently there are since we're spammed with these scams every day and, after all, the Internet makes you stupid. One day last week I got tired of deleting the Nigerian email, so I decided to reply to one of them. The great thing about these assholes is that they're so stupid and greedy for money that they'll go along with anything you say if they believe there's a chance they can swipe all the cash in your bank account. That gave me the opportunity to fuck with my new Nigerian friend, "Doctor Ben," until I got bored and realized I was spending time conversing with a person who would probably shoot me and rape my corpse in an alleyway if he had the chance. Oh, and throughout this email I also randomly included pictures of what appeared when I did a search for "Nigeria" in Google Image Search. Why? I don't know.
From: "BEN" [email protected]
Subject: WE CAN WORK TOGETHER

MR.BEN CHUMAS
STANDARD TRUST BANK PLC
LAGOS NIGERIA

Date:October 17,2002.

Dear sir,

First, I must solicit your confidence in this transaction; this is by virtue of its nature as being utterly CONFIDENTIAL and TOP SECRET. Though I know that a transaction of this magnitude will make any one apprehensive and worried, but I amassuring you that all will be well at the end of the day. We have decided to contact you due to the urgency of this transaction, as we have been reliably informed of your discreteness and ability in transactions of this nature. Let me start by first introducing myself properly to you. I am BEN CHUMAS ,a director with the STANDARD TRUST Bank Nigeria Plc. Lagos. I came to know of you in my private search for a reliable and reputable person to handle this confidential transaction, which involves the transfer of a huge sum of money to a foreign account requiring maximum confidence.

A foreigner, Late Engineer Johnson Creek, an Oil Merchant/Contractor with the Federal Government of Nigeria, until his death Five years ago in a ghastly air crash, banked with us here at Standard Trust Bank Plc. Lagos, and had a closing balance of US$38.5M (Thirty Eight Million, Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars) which the bank now unquestionably expects it to be claimed by any available foreign next-of-kin of the Late beneficiary or alternatively be donated to a discredited trust fund for arms and ammunition at a military war college here in Nigeria. Fervent valuable efforts are being made by the Standard Trust Bank to get in touch with any of the Creek family or relatives but without success.

It is because of the perceived possibility of not being able to locate any of Late Engr. Johnson Creek's next-of-kin (he had no known wife and children) that the management under the influence of our chairman and member of the board of directors, that an arrangement be made for the funds to be declared UNCLAIMABLE and subsequently be donated to the Trust Fund for Arms and Ammunition
to further enhance the course of war in Africa and the world in general. In order to avert this negative development, some of my trusted colleagues and I now seek your permission to have you stand as a next-of-kin to Late Engr.Johnson Creek so that the funds US$38.5M would be released and paid into your bank account as the beneficiary's next-of-kin. All documents and proves to enable you get this fund will be carefully worked out and more so we are assuring you of a 100% risk free involvement.

1.) 20% of the money will go to you for acting as the beneficiary of the funds.
2.) 5% will be set aside for reimbursement to both parties for any incidental expenses that may be incurred in the course of the transfer.
3.) 75% to us the originators of the transaction.

If this proposal is OK by you and you do not wish to take undue advantage of the trust, we hope to bestow on you and your company, then kindly get to me immediately via my email:[email protected] OR Telephone number:234-1-4734203 Furnishing me with your most confidential telephone,fax number and exclusive bank particulars so that I can use these information to apply for the release and subsequent transfer of the funds in your favour.

Thank you in advance for your anticipated co-operation.

Yours faithfully,

MR.BEN CHUMAS
STANDARD TRUST BANK PLC LAGOS.

Wow! What a deal! I mean, all I have to do is sit around and wait for some Nigerian to die and then RICH CITY, HERE I COME! Everybody knows how wealthy the average Nigerian citizen is, so why should I doubt Ben's fantastic story of "ghastly" air accidents and wars in Africa when I could be making a few million dollars simply by giving a stranger unlimited access to my bank account? Oh, and if Mr. Ben asks you where you read this email, please don't tell him about this site! The guy said that his email was "utterly CONFIDENTIAL and TOP SECRET," which means that if he finds out I leaked it to you guys, he'll send a Nigerian hitman to fly over here and kill me. Then the Nigerian will die in a plane crash and Mr. Ben will email you, explaining how he can help you get some of the $582012 billion the hitman had in the bank. It's a neverending cycle! So as you can imagine, I was very excited and willing to make a deal with Mr. Ben.

From: "Rich 'Lowtax' Kyanka"
Subject: OH MY CHRIST, I LOVE LAGOS!!!

Dear BEN,

Thank you VERY much for your email. This sounds like an incredible investment opportunity! However, I must ask you to please reassure me this is not a scam. Recently I received an e-mail (electronic message) from somebody claiming to be the King of Assylvania, which he said was a small island off the coast of Port Togaf. He said that, due to economic problems in his country, he needed to deposit approximately $190 million in my checking account so it wouldn't be seized by the coup about to take place and topple his government and church / missile silo. I promptly sent him my checking information and a downpayment to help with the transfer of the money, and he replied shortly after, claiming he needed more money to prepare the money and send it over. I sent a few more checks and waited for a reply, but then my email client crashed and I was never able to get in contact with him. All in all, I lost about $4,000 through him, but I at least sleep better at nights knowing that I helped King Jephque escape the economic hardships that Assylvania was experiencing during The Irritable Mango Wars of 2002. I'm still waiting for him to contact me again, and I assume it's only a matter of time.

I am sorry to hear that you are in a similar problem, but I am more than willing to help. Since you are BEN CHUMAS, a director with the STANDARD TRUST Bank in Nigeria, I assume you know your financial ins and outs, and I trust your judgment. Plus the idea of a big fat check for $48 million just sounds fabulous! I can't believe I was lucky enough to be chosen for this deal! Praise Allah you contacted me!

Please inform me as to what I need to do next to claim this impressive amount of money. I can fly down to Nigeria if you wish, as my parents own a small airline chartering service which has provided transport for such famous celebrities as Rutger Hauer, Mack Hail, and the guy who played Hannibal's stunt double on "The A-Team." I have no problem lending you the money needed to help you out and make the big bucks for this. Ever since I refused to buy stock in EMC when it was at 80, my parents have been mocking me for my poor business sense. After I get that check for $52 million in my account, we'll see who's laughing then! It will be me! Laughing at them! Because I'll have enough money to kill them off like nine times each.

As I mentioned above, please write back as soon as you can and let me know what I need to do to claim this $58 million reward. You seem like a very honest and trustworthy guy like my partner Sam Jain, so I'm open for any suggestions you may have. Please respond quickly, as I can't wait to get the ball rolling! And oh god how I love balls!

Good luck, and may the God Beearthur shine upon you, my dear friend,

- Ricardo Kyanikana
CEO of Pustule Wear

Like usual, my first reply wasn't as insane as I like to work my email pranks up to. You can't act like a total horse's ass on the first reply or else the spammer will see through you and lose interest, and then, oh no, YOU WON'T GET ANY MORE SPAM FROM THEM! Good thing I'm retarded and actually go out of my way to get spam. Regardless, Mr. Ben was very happy to receive a reply.

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