Dr. Thorpe: If your motorcycle engine is so weak that you need a horse to help you make it up hills, it's time for a new motorcycle.

Zack: Everything else is secondary to the horse to me in this picture. Just gaze into its haunting human eyes. Did you know that horses have their eyes forward-facing like that because they are voracious predators?

Dr. Thorpe: Yeah, the first thing I saw in this picture was the scary person-face on that horse. It's looking into me.

Zack: We are all beneath its alien intellect. It simply ignores the humans and their petty drama with motorcycles and dancing. It is an observer of our crude species.

Dr. Thorpe: Maybe the guy on the bike is saving that girl from the horse before it carries her back to its cave and devours her.

Zack: I think the woman looks like she's trying to fight the guy on the motorcycle. Who wouldn't? Go with some fat shlub on a beat-up Yamaha or journey with Santosh the horse into a mystical world of powerful alien technologies.

Dr. Thorpe: The romantic leads in these movies are pretty disappointing. First we had a big green evil woman, then a woman with a disgusting flap of skin, and now this girl with a gigantic face like a honeydew melon. That horse is too good for her.

Zack: She looks like someone who would have her picture in the newspaper because she somehow managed to lose the Special Olympics.

Dr. Thorpe: Santosh is a work of art, she's just a homely girl in an unflattering dress.

Zack: Who are the two faces in the background? They don't seem to correspond to either of the other people.

Dr. Thorpe: Those are her concerned parents. "We spent our life savings to scrape up a dowry to get her married to a gorgeous horse, and now some creep with a motorbike is trying to snag her!"

Zack: Santosh doesn't seem that involved though. I can believe that they are her parents but I can't imagine him bartering with them over a dowry. Santosh simply watches the goings-on with amusement and perhaps lures moon-faced women to ride him to his ship where he takes them to a realm of adventure until he grows weary of them.

Dr. Thorpe: Yeah, and then eats them.

Zack: They like it too. They laugh and moan with pleasure as he takes big horsey bites out of their carrot-like fingers. Then he dances vigorously with their half-eaten bodies.

Dr. Thorpe: Maybe her parents are worried about that. "We have to get her away from Santosh before he licks her meaty face off like ice cream with his raspy tongue! Send Jimmy out on his four-stroke to save her!"

Zack: "No! I want to go with Santosh! He LOVES me! He UNDERSTANDS me!" and Jimmy is all "naw, ma said you don't unnerstand. She sent me fer ta getcha."

Dr. Thorpe: And Santosh just sort of looks smug, because laughing at their folly would be beneath his dignity.

Zack: Santosh just keeps galloping, knowing full well that he could disintegrate Jimmy and his motorcycle with a thought.

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About This Column

Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.

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