Clock King
Appearing In: WORLD'S FINEST COMICS #111
Artist: Dan Spiegel
Thanks: antisocial

Zack: Remember Dr. Bong? This was the artist's next project.

Dr. Thorpe: Really, if you have a big giant clock on your face, putting little clocks all over your suit is just belaboring the point.

Zack: "Oh hey, look at that clock on my desk. Yeah. This guy could have a clock face, like a watch face, yeah. And he could have lots of clocks. And his power could be to control clocks, like if the hero is fighting him on a giant cuckoo clock he will make the bird come out and knock the hero onto a giant clock with BLADE HANDS.

Dr. Thorpe: Alter Ego: William Tockman. Jeez, it's all so on-the-nose.

Zack: It's like he was destined to grow up and be Clock King! Everything in his profile is about clocks. It's like the stats next to a Playboy Centerfold and for every question including ones where it's inappropriate she has responded with "snuggling by a fire." What are your measurements: Snuggling By a Fire. Favorite Food: clocks.

Dr. Thorpe: Being a clock repairman must have given him really relevant preparation for becoming a professional criminal.

Zack: Marital Status: Single. What?! How?! THIS GUY IS A CATCH! "Oh Betty, I hear you're dating the clock guy." "NO! We went out once! ONCE!"

Dr. Thorpe: He's just one of those guys who's way too into one weird thing. Like those autistic kids who love trains.

Zack: That may be true to a point but autism usually doesn't make you replace your face with a train.

Dr. Thorpe: He's got a total sob story in his bio, too. I guess we're just supposed to feel sorry for this dork.

Zack: Like I'm reading that. What, did a clock kill his family or something?

Dr. Thorpe: No, he LOVES clocks. Maybe the opposite of a clock killed his family.

Zack: A sundial? An hourglass? Pure unmeasured chaos?

Dr. Thorpe: The last one, I guess. I think that kills a lot of people, though. Most people don't go all queer for clocks about it.

Zack: It looks like he's fighting with Robin Hood in the background of his profile. Maybe Robin Hood killed his family. Although I never really looked at Robin Hood as a metaphor for the unknown progression of time.

Dr. Thorpe: Well, maybe Robin Hood was always late for stuff. He seems like an easygoing guy. Clock King's first appearance was in something called World's Finest Comics. Somehow that doesn't seem right.

Zack: "World's Most Punctual Comics."

Zack: "World's Last Batch of Ideas Comics" In this final issue Clock King faces off against The Insidious Blank Frame.

Dr. Thorpe: "Minor Household Items Vs. Robin Hood Comics."

Zack: It says down at the bottom that Clock King doesn't have any powers. He just relies on his "devious mind." Based on that costume that just makes him all the more tragic. I'm sure in the final issue in which Robin Hood and his merry men finally take down Clock King they take the mask off and...gasp...it was William Tockman all along! The guy who was obsessed with clocks and worked as a clock repairman! What a revelation!

Dr. Thorpe: I'll bet all his dialogue is terrible clock and time related puns, too. "You'd better WATCH yourself, Robin Hood! Your TIME on this world is almost up!"

More Fashion SWAT

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.

  • BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.

About This Column

Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.

Previous Articles

Suggested Articles

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.