Zack:That's a woman! The beard can't fool me.

Dr. Thorpe:Man, the genders are even more confusing in this than in our last one with all the Japanese men dressed like women. Kudos to you, Etro, you've trumped Japan in sexual confusion.

Zack:Well, we were doing pretty good at first.

Dr. Thorpe:That's like beating Don Rickles at the dozens.

Zack:But that has to be female, look at the hips. Those are child bearing hips. That thing has a vagina and one day soon it will birth a filthy European with a three foot long beard.

Dr. Thorpe:The End Times are upon us, but at least the End Times are a lot funnier than we thought they would be.

Zack:A lot more boring than I thought it would be though, too. I was expecting rivers of blood and burning swords coming out of Jesus' mouth and then I get a woman with a giant beard in plaidoflage.

Dr. Thorpe:Yeah, where are the vampires stealing the eyeballs of infants?

Zack:Maybe after Etro's done with her she's going to skulk off to a nursery and drain the skulls of the unbeliever's children.

Dr. Thorpe:The only thing that's really horrifying about these End Times is the cost of that beard weave. That seriously must be a ten thousand dollar beard weave, if that's real human hair. And if it's real human hair, I guess that opens up a few gratifying apocalyptic possibilities. Like maybe it's the hair of Christ, looted from his tomb and washed in the blood of the righteous.

Zack:Knowing the fashion industry's taste for rare materials it's probably even worse than you'd think. That's probably the hair of a saber-toothed tiger or maybe they cloned a dolphin that grows hair when it's scared and Etro just screams at it daily and then harvests the growth of its inhuman horror.

Dr. Thorpe:Either that or they just beat a yak to death, like us REAL men would do. And have done for centuries when confronted with the need for a big giant fake beard.

Zack:Or a terrorist. In fact, I think I saw that beard in a beheading video.

Dr. Thorpe:The plot thickens.

Zack:Is that kosher? Making beheading video jokes? Or is the pain still too fresh?

Dr. Thorpe:Only one way to find out, I guess.

Zack:We'll see if I burn in hell for that one, like everyone has been telling me lately. We'll know soon enough based on Etro's fall lineup.

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About This Column

Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.

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