Marjaleena (65)

"All these clothes are made of recycled fabrics. I've designed them myself.

I think pinafore is a great and handy piece of clothing. The decoration in front is an old handwork.

Good old fabrics shouldn't be thrown away. People talk about tuning and customizing but they don't realize that back in the 50's we had to make everything by ourselves."

Dr. Thorpe: She's bewildered. Remember in the Take On Me video by A-ha when the comic book dude steps out into the real world and starts smashing into walls for some reason? Well she just stepped out of the front of a box of cake mix and she's extremely disoriented by the third dimension.

Zack: She was chased off the cake mix by a couple of Uncle Bens with wrenches.

Dr. Thorpe: I like the abstract meatball-and-trumpet pattern on her apron.

Zack: It's a giant yarn postage stamp from hell.

Dr. Thorpe: Grandma Stamps: Commemorating 50 Christmases of Confusing Hand-Sewn Pillows You Don't Want.

Zack: Satan is mailing her to the layer of the abyss where a demon endlessly rearranges the shelf of figurines she bought at the Hallmark Store.

Dr. Thorpe: Hell for her is exactly like Earth, but her bowl is filled with awesome candies that everyone wants to eat, instead of tooth-shattering ribbon candies hardened into a solid mass.

Zack: In hell grandma has to shower every day because there are no Walgreens nearby to sell her liter bottles of perfume and dirt-concealing foundation.

Dr. Thorpe: The TVs only go up to a slightly unreasonably loud volume.

Zack: People react with outrage instead of becoming politely uncomfortable whenever she drops racist bombs in the middle of a normal conversation.

Dr. Thorpe: "I don't care if they used to call them 'nigger toes' back in your day, lady, that's not how we fucking talk anymore! You can't say that shit!"

Zack: "This is the last time we bring you to Bob Evans you horrible CUNT!"

Dr. Thorpe: I hope the system of gingerly handling old people like they're retarded is still in place when I'm old, because I'm going to be saying the most racist shit imaginable just to watch people squirm.

Zack: Yeah, if you can live past about 60 you are finally free to just absolutely hate black people in public. Which I think is what we all secretly want.

Dr. Thorpe: Actually, at that point the standards of society will change so my opinions actually WILL be really offensive. I'll be like "they really should do something about all these pedophiles having sex with children in the streets," and everyone will blush and get really quiet, and I'll be like "what!?"

Zack: "Fucking manga!" Gasps all around, because the president will be a manga-loving pedophile.

Dr. Thorpe: President Naruto Herbert Bush and his adorable first lady, Billy.

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About This Column

Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.

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