Thank you shrek— Shed Shitley (@DinkMagic) November 17, 2013
It's great being among my fellow jocks here on Twitter. Although at times some of you sound... almost like nerds...— Michael Kupperman (@MKupperman) November 17, 2013
was having a great day and then I saw a man with a little ponytail :(— Andy Levy (@andylevy) November 16, 2013
Watching men eagerly embarrass themselves when a woman posts a selfie on Instagram is my favorite sport.— Adrienne (@adrienneMTK) November 16, 2013
Giving my wife a crash course in cybergoth after she told me one of her coworkers spends a lot of time stomping around to this jibber jabber— A Magical Corpse (@Dead_Wizard) November 16, 2013
What's that? Stop saying "fifty dollar bill" like Data from Goonies? That's like asking the moon to stop being a pervert.— Ahm Seventysix (@Ahm76) November 16, 2013
my roommate wants to make me a vest with habitrail tubes etc attached so that I can wear my hamsters out places— lauren (@catches_stars) November 16, 2013
Why did god not put me in a relationship w a wrestler to whom I could say "one mans traps are another mans pleasure"— Greg (@weedguy420boner) November 16, 2013
Jeez, Alec Baldwin, at least when Eminem calls someone a "cocksucking fag" he's forced to rhyme it with "Oh wow, there's a bag" or whatever.— billy eichner (@billyeichner) November 15, 2013
@webmd I suspect it has actually been food coming out of my butt hole in shit form this entire time. my apologies to your staff on the posts— Michael Hale (@dogboner) November 15, 2013
#PS4 tell your momma to give me a kiss you stupid sons of bitches. while your playin those dumb games i'm getting married to your mom.— The Houston Pooper (@Perfect_Beanis) November 15, 2013
"This new generation of consoles is absolute bollocks mate. its a bit shite innit "-- british guy who has opinions about videogames— Tony homo (@BevisSimpson) November 15, 2013
is everything Location— Paige (@PeachCoffin) November 15, 2013
if you bring a blacklight into your average hotel you'll be disgusted by how women shoot their breast milk all over the blankets and walls— deg (@degg) November 14, 2013
would like a surgery to get a fully functioning tail that i could wrap around my thing and jack it while i kick back in a chair.— Craig (@girl_liker) November 14, 2013
people who get really into self-identifying as "pastafarians" seem to have missed the point? also they are garbage people— milt ronmey (@someofmybest) November 14, 2013
[waves at a guy on the street and he waves back] "fucking second wave poser"— Mr. Low T (@gewqk) November 14, 2013
someone is showing me what battlefield 4 looks like and i hope that i die of alcohol poisioning— hazle weatherfield (@genericsoda) November 14, 2013
Ah dammit my penis is all clogged from eating too much chicken— Duke LongMemo (@dukelongboard) November 14, 2013
Andy Kaufman faked his death? Big deal! I faked my entire life.— david nuzzy nussbaum (@theNuzzy) November 14, 2013
A doctor saved a life in the time it took me to photograph my cat wearing sunglasses.— Robin McCauley (@RobinMcCauley) November 14, 2013
In "Sex Motorcycle 2: The Gathering" HornyManTravis has to retrieve the 50 shards of his motorcycle that the FBI scattered around the globe— Löwenäffchen (@Lowenaffchen) November 13, 2013
pussy look like the eye of Sauron.— War Bitch (@tween_sensation) November 13, 2013
Is anyone @McDonalds right now I'm not— Brian (@beebee880) November 13, 2013
when im not jerking off im taking shits— BRANSON (@bransonbranson) November 13, 2013
I try to live my life as Jesus would, by drinking all day and eating nothing but sardines— DaveDittell69 (@davedittell) November 12, 2013
At 8:09:10 11/12/13 we will all find out who our least interesting friends are.— Danny Zuker (@DannyZuker) November 12, 2013
My only purpose on earth is to stain every white shirt I own.— molly (@Molly_Kats) November 12, 2013
This Three-Legged Dog Walked Into One Of The World's Most Dangerous Bars--And You Won't Believe Who He's Looking For— Horton Atonto (@crushingbort) November 11, 2013
A reluctant family is forced to welcome a non-human participant to Thanksgiving dinner.
Perfect Eggs Every Time: Hold an egg in your cupped hands. Put your hands over a fire, squeezing them together gently to crack the egg open. Try not to let any egg liquid or egg shell fall out between your fingers.
You cant go around life being smart in an unconventional way, it could change the world.
Everything worth reading from Twitter in one handy, horrible place!