Zack:"Mom, I can't BELIEVE you dressed me up like this!"
Dr. Thorpe:The poor kid lost the head to his Easter Bunny costume.
Zack:First there was jungle camo, then there was urban camo, then things started to get crazy and we ended up with Hallmark Store camo.
Dr. Thorpe:God, don't you want to just pick him up and give him a huge hug? He is such a delicious little darling. He's like a Precious Moments figurine!
Zack:I want to pinch his cheeks until I feel a tooth pop.
Dr. Thorpe:He looks like a giant slipper. I just want to shove my foot into him and walk out to fetch the newspaper.
Zack:When exactly did thugged-out make the transition to hugged-out? Some gay fashion cabal somewhere has to be giggling madly at all of these homophobic gangstas walking around in the gayest outfits their evil gayness could possibly conceive. It's the most devious blow the gay community has dealt to heterosexuals since bicycle shorts.
Dr. Thorpe:Some might say that the only reason we associate pink with femininity is because we were brought up that way by a patriarchal culture obsessed with enforcing gender roles. Obviously there's some truth to that, but since we've been socialized like that since birth, it's not like we can just switch off the part of our brain that thinks this guy looks like a stuffed animal. If people want to start putting pink into the male lexicon, why not start a little bit smaller instead of going whole-hog all at once and dressing up like marshmallow peeps?
Zack:Maybe start with a pink football or a pink assault rifle. Maybe a pink sword they can stab deep inside other men. Something to poke a hole in the gender role condom that's keeping pink from bursting across the face of mainstream.
Dr. Thorpe:But even if pink stopped being associated with princesses and Barbie dolls and areolas, this guy would still be adorable.
Zack:I can feel my hugging muscles beginning to twitch so we should probably move on.
Maria Mitchell is shown holding a telescope to each eye, using them to ogle passing hunks on the street below. OOOGA! Her tongue rolls out like a firehose, her eyes comically bulging through the ends of the telescopes.
The Internet experience of 2014 has been condensed into a single article for your convenience.
Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.