Zack:"Alas, poor Jordan. I knew him well."

Dr. Thorpe:"How the hell did this get in my butt!?"

Zack:Maybe he's watching that Gaudy Arabian war vet guy fight the tarantula on his carpet.

Dr. Thorpe:It's gotta be a tough call whether or not to use his $120 shoe to smash that tarantula.

Zack:In six months time that white hat is going to be hanging next to that visor on the back wall. Then he'll be wearing a bright orange top hat and contemplating his 150 dollar shoes.

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About This Column

Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.

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