Zack:This guy looks like he got hit with a shrink ray and is in the process of becoming five inches tall. In thirty seconds he's going to be fighting a tarantula with a toothpick.
Dr. Thorpe:He also looks like he just woke up from a drunken blackout and he hasn't figured out that someone dressed him up like the world's biggest idiot yet, and he's wondering why his buddy is taking his picture. I hope this prank catches on. It's way funnier than drawing mustaches and penises with a sharpie.
Zack:"Aw man, you guys even put the condom on my head! I'm gettin' you good at the next Pink Panthers mixer!"
Dr. Thorpe:Yeah, he looks like he just made a failed attempt at that trick Howie Mandell does where he puts a condom over his head and blows it up with his nose. Sorry buddy, you have to take your hat off, or the condom will pop!
Zack:It's cool that he wears his dog tags from the war against Gaudy Arabia.
Dr. Thorpe:His gigantic watch has a built-in GPS so he never gets lost in the deserts of Spinnastan.
Zack:Many brave men were turned into permanent sissies by that brutal conflict.
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.