Dr. Thorpe:So I don't know about you, but I really, really want to be friends with this guy. Or at least with his jacket.

Zack:It's like a bowl of the strangest soup you will ever eat.

Dr. Thorpe:We could kick it in his awesome pad and light some candles and check out his awesome ethnic angel porcelain miniatures. Maybe if we got to be really good friends he'd lend me his jacket.

Zack:If you can get a blue elephant and a detached raccoon tail on the same spoonful then the black angel in the background will come to life.

Zack:I bet he has a lot of really passionate opinions about things. Crazy things, but he's passionate about them.

Dr. Thorpe:He's like "Hey Dave, you and me man, we gotta fucking go out there and fight!" and I'm like "What's up today, Jeremy?" and he's like "They're gonna shut down the novelty toothpick and swizzle-stick store down on 47th street! Can you fucking believe it? We gotta go protest those sons of bitches!"

Dr. Thorpe:And I'll be like "totally! But it's kinda cold out there, do you have a jacket I could borrow?"

Zack:And then he will just stare at you with those really intense crazy-eyes of his and you'll feel a weight on your body and look down and you'll be wearing the same jacket as him.

Dr. Thorpe:Yeah, that thing was not manufactured by man. It has to be some kind of mystical process.

Zack:And if he unzips the front then it's like opening the trunk of the car in Repo Man. Just a green light and BAM you're a skeleton.

Dr. Thorpe:Or maybe they're produced in the stomach of some amazing glorious intergalactic fashion dragon like bezoars.

Zack:Getting one probably involves a quest from a wizard.

Dr. Thorpe:I kind of want to give this guy a hug too, but it's more of a "I just killed my wife and you're the only one who knows" hug.

Zack:If you hug him you'll just slowly be sucked into his jacket and then reappear on the surface as like an orange dinosaur face or something.

Dr. Thorpe:Every one of those things is a soul.

Zack:Exactly. Maybe he is an angel. Like Chapielle, the warden, who travels the land of men and imprisons the souls of those who have eluded their fate.

Dr. Thorpe:Somehow, that would seem to explain his couch.

Zack:A week long Frontline special on PBS couldn't explain that couch.

Dr. Thorpe:Next on Frontline: Your Dad's Old Shirts: Where Are They Going?

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About This Column

Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.

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