Zack:What, were they all out of denim jewelry at the jean barn?Dr. Thorpe:The belt and the pockets make that outfit look so much like an adorable smiling face that my brain can't process it any other way.
Zack:It's like some sort of leering denim snake or something.
Zack:The belt is there in case her entire outfit starts to melt off of her body like ice cream. I think it's holding up her shirt. I like the collar though, it's got sort of a country and western warlock feel to it.
Dr. Thorpe:I can't picture someone deciding that it would be okay to go out looking like that. Maybe that's what she wears under her clothes. It's like skin-tight denim long johns.
Zack:Maybe she didn't pick it. Maybe the denim snake is trying to eat her.
Dr. Thorpe:Hey, maybe she's about to shed her skin and that's what it looks like when it's halfway sloughed off.
Zack:Is that how black people do it? I'll have to ask my cultural sensitivity teacher about it. We haven't gotten to the lifecycle of the negro yet.
Dr. Thorpe:She's coming out of the larval state. Soon she shall grow her velour track cocoon.
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About This Column
Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.