Zack:That shirt is going to leave some hilarious tan lines.

Dr. Thorpe:She's so knock-kneed she looks like she's buckling under her own weight.

Zack:She's built like a turkey.

Dr. Thorpe:Please welcome contestant number three, Hulkarella, this year's favorite to win the gold in female school bus lifting.

Zack:No fair, she's cheating with her magic shoe medallion! Jewelry designed to be lost as quickly as possible.

Dr. Thorpe:Why does she have belt loops around her knee? Are her pants constantly falling up?

Zack:I think she's just wearing Frankenpants. If her shirt wasn't covering her ample waist you'd see the bolts near the pockets.

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About This Column

Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.

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