Jeff K.'s weekly column, appropriately entitled "Ask Jeff K.", deals with all the issues that affect all hardcore gamers and l33t haX0rs out there. If you have a question you'd like to ask, feel free to mail it in. Every letter printed here is in fact real and has actually been sent to Jeff; not a single email has been fabricated or created by the staff.
Let me repeat that again for the sake of emphasis: All of these emails have really been submitted to Jeff K. by real people and have NOT been made up or forged in any way.
HELLO! thsi is Jeff K. and i finaly haev my own coluamn on Something aweful. i am telling it LIKE IT IS. that will be this column name - I TELL IT LIEK IT SI. I AM ON THE STRAIGHT TALK EXPRES! anyway, lets go onto the lettars, shall we? ok, thank yuo!
From: Black Panther
Subject: (No subject)
Dear Little Boy, You think your L33t hunh? you aint shit little man, you havent probably seen a reall Haxx0r in your life, by the way its 3r33t now, get wiht the times, stop living in the past. PLayin quake since 1987 have ya?? thats fucking hillarious, qucke didnt exist in 1987 plus what where you two? You need to watch was you sya little man, unless you want to see a real person in action, i have probably doing more wiht coding since before oyur little stupid ass was concived, bare in mind, that your mother being a crack addict and your father being a gay man who had a drunk night, your conception wasnt all that great as is. Moving on, you give anyone i nthe community of computer securties a bad name. Also, how the fuck did you EVER get anywhere in desiging code when oy ucant spell worth shit, my god there are dictionaries you know? Oh thats right, you probably flunked school, starting form kindergarden, You ever want a challenge come up against me, 12 years long and sitll going strong in the computer industry, everyhting from hacking yo momma's lap top computer, To bringing down certian organzations that bother me.. such as yours, so you better watch your step my little friend, less you will run into 217 himself
YUO SIR NEED TO BUY A SPELLCHECKAR. yuor email to me lacked quality!!. i haev been playing quaek since 1985 because i was on a BETA TEAM, EVER HEAR OF THOSE YOU STUPID CAVEMAN ASS? what does yuor emale me to me? Here is some (I QUote you in pink, because it becomes obvious to me that you are of the "FAGOT" persuasion):
"You need to watch was you sya little man" - what si this??? I ama BIG MAN and i am 16 now so i am a man too. YOOU NEEd TO ENUNCIATE MORE PROPERLY, I CANT READ YUOR EMALE
"i have probably doing more wiht coding since before oyur little stupid ass was concived" - ONCE MORE, USE A THISAURUS FOR YOUR SPELLING, MISTAR WIZARD!!!
"You ever want a challenge come up against me, 12 years long and sitll going strong in the computer industry, everyhting from hacking yo momma's lap top computer, To bringing down certian organzations that bother me.. such as yours, so you better watch your step my little friend, less you will run into 217 himself " - 217? IS THAT THE NUMBAR OF MALE ASSES YUO HAVE HUMPED? oh, i am sorey, yuo are probaly a felow haxor but you are still a STUPID PERSON IN MY HONAST OPINION. GO EAT A BAG OF HELL, FAGOT!!@
From: Manuel Rivera
Subject: Question for your weekly column
Jeff.K , I know you are pretty serious about gaming and shit, but this question should not go unasked now that you are a full grown man, 16 years old.WHO DO YOU THINK ITS THE HOTTEST BABE ON THE WORLD, AND WHY???Please enlighten your fans! Thanks and happy bday.
Thank yuo for teh happy birthday, i had fun. We went to chuckee chese and i played NARC, which si teh best game evar, excpet for Quake 2 and Quaek 3. we were eating pizza and i was drinking doctar peppar and i ate teh piza and it was hard so I said WHAT THE HACK??? and i took the pizza out and there was a gaem token in it!!! i went up to the managar and hit him wiht a shoe in the head.
Want to take part in our much-publicized trade in program to swap an old tablet or video game for in-store credit? Great! We just need your license, home phone number, email address, work number, and your fingerprints. We might even take a mugshot of you.
Are you ready to be consistently depressed by how you're throwing your money and life away? Check out Loot Crate's 2015 lineup of upcoming crates!
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.