He, bro, we have to set you straight. Whatever you have heard about dumpster diving: forget it. This is not about scrounging for food just to get by, this is a full cash lifestyle. We eat like kings, live like princes and pay like paupers. You dig me, Brandon? We want to let you in on our most recent haul, because it is for real. People are just throwing this stuff away.
Richest country in the world, Brandon. Our trash is treasure.
This was all just free, sitting there FREE in a dumpster. Thrown away by our society.
4 pounds of cashews
3 perfectly good cucumbers
4 perfectly good heads of lettuce
2 mostly good apples
8 beautiful red carnations (absolutely nothing wrong with them)
3 cups of yogurt spread across the bottom of the dumpster (just needed a container)
1 totally ok rat just had to get it out of a paper towel roll
4 gluey porno magazines in FRENCH (learning French for free, bro)
2 perfectly good coat hangers just LEFT THERE
1 blanket full of free bed bugs
2 legit good human hands in a paper bag with Russia style tattoos
1 perfectly good terrarium for a turtle with "#1 Turtle Dude BRYCE" in sticker letters on the side which is good because one of us is Bryce
1 totally solid bar of reusable congealed grease
1 perfectly legit good trash bin full of bloody diapers
300 loose fasteners, screws, nails, etc, still good, just had to feel around in a puddle of diaper blood and spilled piss to find them
3 perfectly solid, working piss bags full of piss sloshing around in my house now
1 fully mint bug, like a spider, but bigger and it bites
4 whole bags full of shredded financial documents from a closed furniture store, soaked in blood and piss, full of screws, perfect for stuffing a pillow
2 of those big tupperware bins worth of compacted, rotten vegetable matter and human bodily waste, which we shoveled out for FREE
6 minimum big glasses worth of glass just shredding up our feet and hands (definitely gonna put these together) can you say PROJECT?
1 totally legit toadstool doorway, like a little hobbit dude door, opens up in the bottom of the dumpster and comes out the other side, like 180 tilt into a land of green pastures
Unlimited free passes to this beautiful realm of flower-scented green hills on the other side of the dumpster door
1 awesome adventure, Brandon, in this realm, where we became kings of like the nomad peoples and we had to lead them to this castle where there were all these green guys like goblins or something, but not goblins. Like a kobold or something.
2 intense sword fights with kobolds. Victorious.
1 romance with an excellent fairy queen lady, natural girl, digs on the dumpster lifestyle. Raw foodism. Down with paleo. Enchantments, etc.
1 big time misunderstanding with fairy realm wizard who cast us out into the forgotten lands where all memory is forgotten.
2 regained memories dude (after a solid quest) we got our mems back!!! SCORE!
20 weird little bog dude followers who we taught about English so they can sort of talk
100+ perfectly legit bog dude babies that we just have to feed our blood once a day from the extra nipples we grew on our backs from the fairy king's curse
1 free mossy loincloth which we shared between us pretty much as needed
120 bog dudes who came with us back through the door and are like family/friends to us now and help out around the house, living la vida dumpster and being stand up dudes that need a place to crash though because we got evicted for bog smells, so, like, Brandon, is it cool if we chill on your couches for a couple months with our 120 bog babies?
Thanks, bro. You're awesome.
Now with the sun and the warmth and the generally pleasant atmosphere, you can no longer blame the weather for why you've spent the last sixteen hours sitting inside. You'll need to stay on your toes if you want to stay in your chair.
This tuna ain't working, bro, and this gross hot dog needs a one way trip to go live on your uncle's Flavor Farm.
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.