1772 BC - The Babylonian king Hammurabi decrees that any bro caught stealing a Smirnoff Ice must chug that Smirnoff Ice immediately or be ostracized by his brofriends. A variation of this law becomes the drinking game known as "icing."
33 AD - At the Last Supper, Jesus dips a sop in Smirnoff Ice and gives it to Judas, signaling his knowledge of his disciple's douchery.
1306 - During the English siege of Killdrummy Castle in Scotland, a bro bribed with "all the Smirnoff Ice he could carry" sets fire to his castle's grain stores. Upon learning of his treason, his bros make him drink all the ill-gotten Ice until he passes out, then draw dicks on his forehead in permanent marker.
July 13, 1793 - French broabuser Jean-Paul Marat is iced to death by bro ho Charlotte Corday, who hid a 30-rack of Cherry Lime in his bathtub.
April 14, 1912 - The RMS Titanic hits an iceberg, showering the deck with Smirnoff Ice bottles hidden inside the berg by broheims on the SS Californian.
December 6, 1917 - After being iced by his crew, the captain of the SS Mont Blanc crashes into the SS Imo, causing the Halifax Explosion.
January 15, 1919 - A two-million gallon tank at a Boston Smirnoff Ice factory explodes, flooding the nearby streets and icing an estimated 150 bros.
May 12, 1934 - President Franklin Broosevelt orders a large amount of Smirnoff Ice be dumped over the midwest to alleviate the dust bowl.
June 22, 1941 - After being iced by Broseph Goebbels, Adolph Hitler hoarks all over the Molotov-Ribbentrop pact, starting Russian-German agression in WWII.
Aftermath of the Boston Smirnoff Disaster.1953-1979 - 21,000 tons of expired Smirnoff Ice dumped by the Hooker Chemical Company in an underground cavern in the Love Canal neighborhood of Niagra Falls, NY contaminate that neighborhood's water supply. Residents suffer spins, swerves, and frequent cheezing.
April 26, 1986 - An icing at Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant gets out of hand when the iced bro ices two of his bros, who ice two of their bros, starting a chain reaction that spreads across a large portion of Europe.
January 22, 1987 - Pennsylvania treasurer Budd Dwyer ices himself on a televised press conference, gurping on several reporters.
June 5, 1989 - An unknown, severely iced bro wanders in front of a line of tanks during the Tiananmen Square massacre.
April 20, 1999 - A SWAT Team collecting the Columbine High School shooters' pipe bombs discovers that each one contains a Smirnoff Ice Triple Black.
September 11, 2001 - Terrorists trying to ice the pilots of United Airlines flight 93 are ice-blocked by passengers.
Republicans announce that all legislation must be voted on at 2am in a secret chamber, with no one but the lobbyists who write the bills seeing a single line of text. Democrats' Response: Stumbling around a field stepping on rakes, handles smashing them directly in their faces every single time.
There is a witch hunt going on right now and I promise you that you will not find any witches in the pleasure room in my congressional office.
For fans of meaningless awards, these awards are extra meaningless.
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