Last week I wrote an update discussing the problem of people cashing in on the World Trade Center disaster via patriotic merchandise sales. This article was meant to in no way disrespect the tragedy of September 11th and yet there were many morons who read my update and just didn't get it. As a result I received many tasteful emails regarding my subject choice. I thought I'd share a few of them with you today because they are simply hilarious, albeit very depressing. USA!
NOTE:THESE ARE ACTUAL LETTERS SENT TO ME!
I have only been writing for the front page for a couple of months and I only update on Saturdays, but I am nevertheless amazed at the number of email responses I get from people each week. Usually this email is supportive and it is without fail entertaining. This includes the flames which tend to be variants on "OMG You are a girl get back in the kitchen and leave the writing to the boyz!" Unfortunately, with my last update, the flame email I received represented the lowest common denominator of Something Awful readers and seriously caused me to doubt that natural selection has been in any way successful.
This first one is my personal favorite:
Well, as far as I know, Stupid, the "core of American supportists" has been deluged with commercials for American logo garbage since September 11th because the companies that are manufacturing this stuff know that they can make a shitload of money off of the public's grief and desire to show public support. I am not sure what me mentioning this trend has to do with my taking up arms against the United States, but I am sure that you need to earn yourself some basic reading comprehension and take a good look around you. Being a moronic reactionary such as your fine self only proves that the human race has one more person to purge on the way to a brilliant, Utopian future complete with flying cars and personal jet packs.
Bad taste? I think that it just might be bad taste to sell USA pins and shirts and plates and flags etc. knowing that gullible fools are going to scarf them up like a Weight Watchers member at the Old Country Buffet. Yeah, my "cool message" was that I wish that the world could be rid of fine, upsatnding patriots like you and then I will finally be able to write an anti-US humor article and milk that whole silly WTC thing for all the jokes it's worth MUAH HAHAHAHAHA! USA! USA USA!
Excuse me one second, please.
USA! USA USA! USA!
"Really, Holmes!" I dropped into my seat, shocked. "You are remarkably tall! What are you, six foot six? Six foot eight?"
As the 19th century diver approaches a giant clam, a flash of brilliant golden light flares from within the shell. I emerge in a swirl of bubbles and do the timeless universal underwater hand signals for the following: ZODIAC KILLER, KKK, BLOOD OF YOUTH
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