CHAPTER 1: THE BEGINNING
Chase was relaxing in his DianetiCouch Seat Org, enjoying the incredible feeling that can only be accomplished by becoming Officially Scientologically Clear (tm), a process which normally costs $500,000 but can be yours now for only $250,000 through www.scientology.com in our special "Clearing Out Sale"! Hundreds of books, magazines, and other Scientology guides at over 30% off the normal price which were all marked up 150% before we discounted them! If you act now, you'll get a special Thetan-proof coffee mug that alerts your e-meter every time a Thetan attempts to drink your preferred beverage of choice (no coffee, please - the caffeine interferes with your neural force aura). Suddenly the MindPhone began to beep. Chase knew this was a bad sign because the MindPhone had a large light which read "BAD SIGN" on it, and that light was currently blinking. He leaped out of his Seat Org and grabbed the phone.
"This is Chase Hardrock, Scientomologologist Warrior," he proudly stated while brushing back his illustrious brown hair which had grown to new lengths and became much more handsome and flowing ever since he graduated to OT IV.
"Chase! This is Clair at Sci-Base 7, the floating Scientistalologoimistriology base above the Atlantic Ocean! We need you up here quickly!" Chase recognized Clair's voice instantly because he had heard it before and had wisely decided to remember it. "Those pesky Thetans are up to their old tricks again!"
Thetan. The mere word itself made Chase's skin crawl, which happened because a Thetan floated around and began prickling his skin with Poison Thetan Needles, which is a good reminder to the fact that Thetans are everywhere and can attack you no matter how well protected you are. Even if you wear a ski coat and a bunch of scarves and lock yourself up in the bathroom, the Thetans can still get you. You can put up a sign on your door that says "NO THETANS ALLOWED" but they'll still come in anyway because they're evil and superintelligent, like Lex Luthor except Lex Luthor isn't a ghost and can't pass through bathroom walls. Chase ripped off his jacket to reveal his Clari-T-shirt, which immediately scared away the weak and cowardly Thetans.
"Clair! I'll be there right away! These dastardly Thetans need to be taught a lesson once and for all!" Chase hung up the MindPhone and began packing his things, which consisted of the following items:
A Pendant of Ethereal Vibration ($250 with your Scientologicalology discount)
His Crystal Defense Watch ($565 with proof of purchase from any L. Ron Hubbard endorsed cookbook)
A stunning, beautiful Anti-Thetan Protection Ring which would make a lovely Christmas gift for this upcoming holiday! Buy two and get the third one half price! Order by next Wednesday and we'll include a glossy photograph of L. Ron Hubbard playing Skee-Ball absolutely free!
Chase zipped up his backpack and left his impressive Hollywood mansion which also doubles as a Scientolomologistology headquarters. Letting OT III members use your house gives you a 20% discount on all Scientostolostomy learning tools, including the Limited Edition L. Ron Popeil Home Mashed Potato Machine. After taking a breath of the warm, fragrant California air, Chase leapt into his Elron HoverCar and took off for SCI-Base 7.
This Halloween, the most terrifying house for policemen is opening its doors. If you're a cop, get ready to have nightmares!
Ariana Grande? No way! Here's a podcast that looks squarely at Ariana Grande and says, ‘No way!’
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.