PRELUDE: LOCATING A WOMAN STUPID ENOUGH TO SLEEP WITH YOU
Some bathrooms are empty except for the sassy women, others can be overflowing with tough competition.I'm no biology major, but if I remember correctly women do not grow on trees, which means finding one gullible enough to be tricked into having sex with you can be no small task. First you need to locate a woman, so I suggest looking in places where women tend to congregate like shoe departments, hair salons, feminist meetings, convents, and women's restrooms.
I like to hang out in the women's restroom at Applebee's and just lean casually against the tampon machine, let women know I'm comfortable with myself and with them. They always give me the eye when they walk past and I'm all "what's up baby?" Then when they're done with their business I'll try and chat them up. Sometimes the Applebee's employees run me out or call the cops, but I think that's just because they don't like the competition.
When you've found a woman try and determine whether or not she will have sex with you. Depending on your relationship with her, this can be as easy as asking "will you have sex with me?" When it isn't that easy, and it never really is, I suggest offering tribute to her much as you would the Greek goddess of love Aphrodite; a slaughtered lamb and three bushels of grain upon a granite altar. Remember, at this stage you are most definitely the supplicant.
Once you've got a line on a woman willing to swallow her pride and get busy with you, proceed to Step One.
STEP ONE: THE BIGGEST EROGENOUS ZONE IS THE BRAIN
Stimulate your woman mentally first, whisper sweet nothings in her ear, your breath hot against her neck. I prefer to recite Lincoln's half of the Lincoln/Douglas debate while doing my best impression of what I think Abraham Lincoln would sound like. Sort of a nasal voice, but deeper than my normal voice, in a hushed tone as Lincoln was known to be in a constant state of arousal.
If you're not a fan of old political debates, try discussing Super String Theory, they don't call it sympathetic vibration for nothing.
STEP TWO: PULL BACK THE CURTAINS
It's time to begin removing clothes, yours and hers. Oftentimes this is a clumsy and fumbling affair, particularly when caught in the iron grip of passion, but care now means a quicker clean up later. Make it an enjoyable activity or even a game. I like to roll a twelve sided die to see who gets to remove an article of clothing first. If you roll a one you botch your saving throw and you have to put an article of clothing back on. Sometimes, when I know passion is burning hot, I will wear only a velvet cape to a romantic encounter, making it easy to throw back the cape in a dashing manner, revealing my still flaccid manhood. That's right, you shouldn't be aroused yet, if you are, go back to Step One and start over.
STEP THREE: TALK IS CHEAP AND EVERYONE LOVES A DEAL
After the arousal and undressing, it's important to communicate with your lover.Communication is very important in the bedroom, your lover needs to know what you enjoy and you need to know what she enjoys. While visiting Turkey I bedded a Muslim woman who remained perfectly motionless until she climaxed, at which point she began shaking and ululating. The down side was that since she didn't moan or say anything during the entire encounter it took nearly four hours to stimulate her to orgasm.
Try the following simple phrases:
"Thou dost protesteth too much."
"This doesn't fit here."
"The Princess is in another castle"
And my personal favorite:
"Holy Cow! Cubs win! Cubs win!"
Feel free to inject a bit of levity into the bedroom and don't be afraid to smile. Sex isn't all about grunts and grimaces, no offense to Grimace.
A thousand years ago, dudes were dying from splinters, but now the wizard potion that cleans our light wounds costs less than a Dr. Pepper in 1994. I love this medicinal 7up.
U2 and Apple have conspired to place a U2 album into your music in the year 2014. You own a U2 album. And you can't get rid of it.
Ron Paul spins in his chair, trying to grab his decorative antique musket but Freddy gets it first.
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.