STEP FOUR: VARIETY IS THE SAUCE OF LEGEND
Pleasure your lover as completely as you would like to be pleasured yourself.You should, by now, be into the early stages of foreplay. Kissing cannot be overemphasized here. Place gentle butterfly kisses all along her collarbone and neck while your hands move across her back. Fondling her breasts is perfectly acceptable, but do not overdo it. For many women breasts are not the best place to start. Also, if she has a supernumerary nipple, try not to stare, but try not to avoid it or it might feel left out. In fact, a supernumerary nipple, or witches tit, can be a highly exotic discovery on a lover. Try sucking gently at it until you taste a tangy fluid. This is her blood and you are now her familiar. Congratulations.
As you move on to more advanced interaction, remember the old sailor's adage "don't be afraid to get your face wet". Also keep in mind that there are parts of the vagina beside the clitoris, such as the labia, the elusive G-spot, the banana cauldron (or scorpion's sting as it is known in the Kama Sutra), the Mysler-Epstein Complex, the Upper Orbit, the Floating Sex Rib, and the mysterious but highly erotic Cerebral Ganglia.
The art of performing oral sex on a woman is very fine indeed. Each woman is like a master-crafted instrument, and it will require a good deal of practice to learn the intricacies of its strings. Since I only know how to play the Jew's Harp I usually insist my partner wear a blindfold during this part and bring in a fifteen year old Korean boy with an 8 inch long tongue.
Don't be afraid to ask for oral stimulation yourself. If your lover seems reluctant try some unusual methods of coaxing her into the act, like hiding your penis in a bowl of chili or hiring a singing telegram. If none of these methods work to entice her, try moving into a gay bath house and drilling a hole in a stall divider.
STEP FIVE: INITIATE DOCKING PROCEDURE
Time has finally come to place your penis into her vagina. This is a very exciting endeavor and not one to be taking lightly. Make sure you have the proper fanfare, such as a recording of crowd cheers, trumpeting, and ample confetti. Enter your lover very slowly, as unless you are Gene Simmons or my Korean helper your tongue has not properly scouted the region. There may be some obstruction that will need to be cleared by the corps of the engineers. In most women these are trivial matters requiring no more than a few kilograms of Semtex and a length of det cord running up her uterus. Sometimes however you may encounter an obstruction that is difficult to breech or bypass. Try using shaped charges or the now famous bunker busting laser guided munitions utilized by the USAF.
Again, women prefer all types of intercourse, sometimes varying on the way your organs interact with one another and sometimes depending on the mood the strikes her. If she is not demanding a particular position be adventurous, exploring your lover can be extremely rewarding. Missionary, Doggy Style, Cow Girl, and Reverse Cow Girl are all fairly well known, but don't be afraid to try more exotic positions like the Blooming Onion, Drunken Monkey, Swordsman's Riposte, or the difficult but pleasing Kraken Embracing Tiger.
If you have a difficult time remaining "in the game" so to speak, then attempt to concentrate on something calming. Find a pleasant thought that is not overly stimulating and picture it in as much detail as you can muster. Many people make the mistake of contemplating things they find repulsive, but if you have a vibrant imagination this can be the fast track to erectile dysfunction. Nothing causes your Hooded Champion to lose his will to fight like imagining your hairy uncle eating a Popsicle. I hope. If that doesn't kill your libido completely then maybe you should call your hairy uncle and invite him over for pants less Popsicle hour.
STEP SIX: CHEETAH AT REST
Winding down together can provide an important post-coital bonding period of heightened intimacy.After you have both achieved the heights of pleasure, you may feel the urge to retreat from your lover or immediately fall into contented slumber. Unless your companion is narcoleptic as well, you must resist this urge and enjoy, rather than endure, a pleasant post coital conversation and tender cradling of one another. Reinforce in her that she was an excellent lover, compare her to a flower or your favorite year of the EA Sports NHL Hockey series, if mistakes were made in the preceding encounter forgive them with a gentle "it's alright, 99 out of 100 women I sleep with do that too".
This cooling down period may be delayed by a brief clean up period. Unless you feel you are up to the task so soon it is suggested that you refrain from a so called "Shower Ambush". While a man is often content to wallow in a pool of his and his lover's fluids while drinking a chilled martini, smoking a cigarette and reading Penthouse Forum Letters, women often feel the need to cleanse and renew themselves. Allow her all the privacy she desires and just pretend you didn't hear the soft sobbing over the noise of the shower.
Do you wish to know what computers will be doing in the year to come? With a sigh I shall exert the minimal effort it takes to reveal all. Feel free to print out these predictions and share them with your friends via fax.
Old mixed signals feeling a little stale? Try some new ones!
day 2: still working on the car
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.