The Wizard created a drug called "drugs", which didn't kill off the Southerners but instead made them really cool and relaxed, allowing them to kick back and have a really dope time! Drugs made all the Southerner's lives much, much better and fulfilling.
While on drugs, the South completely forgot about their desire to slaverize the minorities, and began to live in peace.
Lincoln realized that King President Dictator Harry S. Truman could possibly start working his evil again, so he assassinated him at Ford Theater one night. The nation breathed a sigh of relief, and the future of America never looked brighter.
Then the Republicans sieged the Presidential office, plundering and raping everything in their way. They immediately illegalized drugs so they could create more racism, slavery, hatred, oppression, high consumer prices on precious natural resources, and religion.
Sorry about the blurry photo. I was lunging at my phone, yelling at it to take a clear picture. It's the only image of me that exists. I'd take another picture for you, but I'm in the middle of a rigorous trampoline session.
Call of Duty Advanced Warfare promises to up the ante on Kevin Spacey's face in a video game.
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.