The beach (where else?). Some guy, wearing no shirt, is running across the beach in slow motion. He is thinking to himself, via a voice over dub.
Man: (Thinking) I wish my brother Ray was feeling better. Ever since that awful canoe accident, he just hasn't been the same. For example, he now has no torso.
Woman: (Comes running up next to him) Hey, want to have sex?
Man: Yeah, sure!
Woman: What? I can't hear you! Stop doing a voice over dub!
Man: How the hell do I get out of slow motion?
(Suddenly, a 1988 Ford Crown Victoria drives off a nearby cliff, balancing precariously on the edge. The driver, a middle aged woman, is trapped in the car, screaming)
Driver: Help! I am pregnant and trapped in this car, teetering on the edge! And I am about to give birth any moment! And I'm also the First Lady! And I think my car is full of nuclear waste that would contaminate the ocean if it fell in! And I'm pretty sure I'm water soluble too!
(Squadron of bare chested men come rushing into the scene and pull the car back up via a complex network of tying two ropes to the back bumper and pulling it back. The woman gets out, thanks the men for saving her, has a baby boy, and then discovers a cure for cancer)
SCENE 6: Back at the futuristic Baywatch Life Guard Station. David Hasselhoff is looking closely at some map with red pins stuck in it. Each time the camera cuts away, the pins are in different locations for some reason.
ISDH: It sure feels good to get our job done! Saving others is a full time job!
Bare Chested Man #81: You said it!
(Credits roll up into the screen)
Bare Chested Man #81: Hey, what are these names doing floating up? And why are they backwards?
ISDH: Oh, that's just the cue for all of us to stand still and smile.
Bare Chested Man #81: Oh. (He stands still and smiles)
FADE TO END
Evil Cooper and Chechen President Ramzan Kadyrov have both been on a rampage, but who did what?
"Your left eye," the optometrist casually explained while blasting my face with a blue laser at point blank range, "is farsighted and shaped like an eyeball. The other eye is nearsighted and shaped like a football. Not even a good football."
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.