The beach (where else?). Some guy, wearing no shirt, is running across the beach in slow motion. He is thinking to himself, via a voice over dub.
Man: (Thinking) I wish my brother Ray was feeling better. Ever since that awful canoe accident, he just hasn't been the same. For example, he now has no torso.
Woman: (Comes running up next to him) Hey, want to have sex?
Man: Yeah, sure!
Woman: What? I can't hear you! Stop doing a voice over dub!
Man: How the hell do I get out of slow motion?
(Suddenly, a 1988 Ford Crown Victoria drives off a nearby cliff, balancing precariously on the edge. The driver, a middle aged woman, is trapped in the car, screaming)
Driver: Help! I am pregnant and trapped in this car, teetering on the edge! And I am about to give birth any moment! And I'm also the First Lady! And I think my car is full of nuclear waste that would contaminate the ocean if it fell in! And I'm pretty sure I'm water soluble too!
(Squadron of bare chested men come rushing into the scene and pull the car back up via a complex network of tying two ropes to the back bumper and pulling it back. The woman gets out, thanks the men for saving her, has a baby boy, and then discovers a cure for cancer)
SCENE 6: Back at the futuristic Baywatch Life Guard Station. David Hasselhoff is looking closely at some map with red pins stuck in it. Each time the camera cuts away, the pins are in different locations for some reason.
ISDH: It sure feels good to get our job done! Saving others is a full time job!
Bare Chested Man #81: You said it!
(Credits roll up into the screen)
Bare Chested Man #81: Hey, what are these names doing floating up? And why are they backwards?
ISDH: Oh, that's just the cue for all of us to stand still and smile.
Bare Chested Man #81: Oh. (He stands still and smiles)
FADE TO END
Simply put, if I had Johnny Manziel’s physical gifts, you better believe I would be there in the Weight Room, getting to bed early, doing whatever I had to do to be the best possible athlete I could be. I wouldn't be posting on social media about sucking titties. I wouldn't even look at a titty, buddy. I'd look at a titty and see two big footballs.
A real friend doesn't move until the middle of August, ensuring temperatures in the 90s and a humidity that turns boxers into moist balls of ruined cotton.
Expendable? You must be joking.
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