If you are a false, don't entry, because you'll be burned and died.
This prog 'supergroup' talks about gay porn, hair product, and an elephant trunk between the legs.
Mac Lethal came up as a battle rapper, so he gives no fuck about insulting fellow musicians.
Sgt. D and I celebrate Christmas early by sending each other crap.
Silence, inbreds! The erstwhile strapping young lad speaks to SA about abusive banter, nightmares, and feather pens.
...in the soon-to-be-published opinions of other critics, most of whom are wrong.
Please, people, I know I told you other bands sucked, but believe me, this is way fucking worse.
I send Sgt. D videos specifically chosen to drive him insane, and he sends back -- well, it doesn't matter, I hate everything.
Is Porcupine Tree too prog? No, not prog enough.
Undercover correspondent Jesse 'kingcobweb' Mason reveals the truth about trance.
As long as I can remember, people have hated me.
Guest collaborator Sergeant D thought he liked all music. I had a few bands for him to meet.
This column takes a loving, supportive look at the music you're completely justified in enjoying!
Simultaneously bombastic and boring, 'The Resistance' crushes hope from both sides of the spectrum.
Death to deathcore!
The depressing story of 'Armistice,' the terrible easy-listening album that almost wasn't.
Jack White assembles the alt-rock version of Chickenfoot!
Greetings, friend! Do you wish to look as happy as me? Send $ to Owl City (don't use Postal Service)! Obnoxious happiness is just an Amazon order away!
After 15 years, it's time for me to bid Warped Tour good riddance.
Wait, is 'Bitte Orca' the worst album of 2009?
An all-day metal event -- attended for research purposes, of course -- yields some hideous lowlights.
Indie's most bookish band builds vocabularies, sings of deer-man-woman sex. Read all about it!
These guys could be soulless machines, or they might represent the nadir of modern music. Either way, nothing personal.
Two prog bands battle to the death, but EVERYONE SURVIVED. RAHHRGH!
Model-fronted hype band The Gossip tries to make boring music fashionable.
How did forgotten 311 suddenly land its highest-charting album? Male magic!
Bullets can't slice ideas!
Beet-eating nerds make boring folk for latent hippies disguised as hipsters.
Swarm angrily, faeries! Someone's criticizing your queen!
We "break down" the new Green Day! Ha ha. But seriously, it's fucking horrible.
Mastodon is a disgrace to metal and beards.
Behold, the next wave of feminist musicians!
Are you tired of vocalists who use actual words and sing on key? Pitchfork has the band for you!
A probing investigation reveals Lady Gaga's shocking secret!
A search of music-themed Awful Link submissions yields some horrendous politically motivated songwriters -- and TIMATAYO!
Somehow, the hits compilation "NOW That's What I Call Music" still tops the charts after thirty installments. These customer testimonials explain the mysterious allure.
Women compete March Madness-style for the title Queen Skank, with four atrocious bands as the selection committee.
Buying benefit records can make you feel great, as long as you don't do something stupid like actually listening to them.
For a successful South by Southwest experience, see shows other than the ones listed in this anti-guide. People outside Austin, take note: These acts might be headed your way.
Asher Roth's "I Love College": A song so stupidly obvious, it's amazing generations of idiot musicians didn't think of it first.
Get on your boots, and let's wade through "No Line on the Horizon."
Remember First Floor from Dire Straits' "Money for Nothing" video? There's more to their story than you could have ever imagined. Stay for a spell as the band's singer Kiko goes through their photo album!
Limp Bizkit returns vowing to clean up the "heavy popular music" scene, but they'll probably just make things worse.
Back in 2007, Brokencyde sang "Will kill myself, but something tells me you won't give a fuck." There's only one way to find out!
Fake rappers and Nickelback clones dominate the final four entries on 2008's worst musical happenings countdown.
The Worst of 2008 countdown nears its horrifying conclusion.
Countdown continues/rude haikus for last year's duds/Poetic justice.
The month-long wrap-up of 2008's worst music addresses some fresh voices in the field of horribleness, some familiar faces, and some faces that might be more familiar if they were caked in cheesy make-up or concealed in alien masks.
The countdown to 2008's worst act uncovers the fresh horrors lurking between #38 and #30.
The first installment of 2008's 46 Worst Musical Happenings ranges from 'Heroes' Hayden's slutty single to Natalie Portman's Shaved Head.