New Innovations in the Food Service Industry
This looks good, but we at Arlogeist think it could look a lot better!One of my favorite topics of discussion with Rich is invention and one of his favorite specific subcategories of this topic is the innovations he hopes to introduce to the food service industry. Since Lowtax's cable modem remains on the disabled list he is not around to stop me from stealing many of his great ideas and adding in a number of my own. Together we could completely revolutionize the restaurant industry, or at the very least make it a lot more interesting. Since he can't object I am going to move ahead with our plans under the auspices of Arlogeist GmbH. He has a fifty-percent stake in the company anyway so he can't bitch too much after the deed is done.
Let's take a look at some of the exciting new projects we at Arlogeist are looking forward to unveiling in the near future!
Royal Navy Officer Jenkin's Crab (Theme Restaurant) - Tired of dining at seafood establishments that think it's a good idea to theme their restaurant on scurrilous sea-dogs like "Long John Silver"? Royal Navy Officer Jenkin's Crab is a delightful change of pace for those interested in a more law-abiding dining experience. Set sail on the HMS Taste Sensation! Destination: a satisfying seafood meal that doesn't weigh heavy on your conscience.
Ouch That's Hot! (Theme Restaurant) - Catering to those with fiery appetites, Ouch That's Hot! offers a cuisine for the spice lover in us all by serving nothing but dishes prepared with oleoresin capsicum. Our meaty hot wings are a great appetizer that will put some hair on your chest and the main course of batter-fried catfish is guaranteed to make you go blind. Take the Ouch That's Hot! Challenge and you can walk home with a free meal. All you have to do is finish one of our "Big Burn" 72 ounce rib eye steaks and your meal is on the house! Three have tried and perished, one tried and had to be hospitalized. When she emerged from her coma she had been driven crazy by the dangerously full-flavored "Big Burn".One of our test fryers gets ready to try out the Deep Fryer Thrower The Deep Fryer Thrower (Restaurant Invention) - Deep frying things can take a long time and most are under equipped for when you feel the need to flash fry a school bus. To fill the need for a simple, fast, and not to mention portable deep fryer, Arlogeist has developed the Deep Fryer Thrower. Designed with a dual-feed backpack tank of boiling fat attached to a high-pressure hose, the Deep Fryer Thrower is capable of frying food from a range of ten meters and is great for spot-frying portions of an entire animal. Want to fry a whole pig? No problem, just stick the hog on a spit and stand back, aim, and fire. Or should we say "fryer"? Hahahahaha. Seriously though, the Deep Fryer Thrower can deep fry over 600 pounds of animal parts before requiring a refilling of the fat reservoirs. It can also be used in disarming assailants and in clearing bunkers and other hard points on the battlefield.
The Dinner Moth (Take Out Service) - Our new subscription based Dinner Moth service is both a wonder to behold in action and a delicious surprise for the taste buds. Simply pay ten dollars a month to our Dinner Moth office and every night one of our specially engineered Dinner Moths will be dispatched to serve up a heaping helping of food. Once it has arrived at your house the Dinner Moth will fly around a special lamp (included in subscription) and ejaculate large quantities of fried foods onto your table. The Dinner Moth also has the ability to detect communists! Yes it does, so be sure to warn any guests before it arrives as the Dinner Moth may feel compelled to incinerate them with its optic lasers.
T.J. McFriendly's Family Fun (Casual Dining Franchise) - If you've had a long day at work and just feel the need to unwind, stop by T.J. McFriendly's Family Fun! What gives T.J. McFriendly's that relaxing down-home appeal is the fact that the restaurant is entirely staffed by our very own zombies. If you're as outraged as we are by the way filthy teenagers handle your food, then you will be pleased to know that all of our zombies come already sealed in non-stick hygienic coating that keeps germs away from your meal. Bring the kids and they can even get piggy-back rides from our recently decommissioned President Zombie. T.J. McFriendly's will not be held liable if rotting human flesh is found in your dinner. At T.J. McFriendly's we promise that your food will be clean and that none of our employees are the reanimated corpses of child molesters.
O-B-G That's Delicious (Specialty Dining Furniture) - It's a well known fact that pregnant women like to eat an awful lot. In an effort to assist restaurants in capitalizing on this information, Arlogeist has developed a specialty dining set that we like to call the "O-B-G That's Delicious". Regardless of how close to spewing out a baby the mother-to-be is, she can now enjoy a comfortable dining experience with the privacy her bloated carcass demands. Thanks to our special cut-away table and easy-access examination floor panels, mom-in-a-month can enjoy a delicious meal of like 500 cheeseburgers or whatever pregnant women eat and still be getting that uncomfortable and embarrassing obstetrics exam out of the way. Not a lot of mothers in your area? Don't worry, the O-B-G That's Delicious is not just for the ladies and can easily be adapted for all of the following medical procedures:
Delicious and exciting, it's Chicken in a Hat! Chicken in a Hat (Taste Sensation) - Everyone loves chicken and everyone thinks something new tastes "just like chicken", but nothing tastes quite like Chicken in a Hat. Specially grown from Arlogeist's free-range enclosed and pinioned antibiotic stuffed engineered chicken stock, our chickens are trained to sit on a top hat. The chicken on the hat is, in turn, wearing its own small top hat. Not only that, but advances in chicken miniaturization have allowed us to place a tiny chicken on top of this hat. We were unable to develop a top hat small enough for this chicken to wear but when we do we already have an even tinier chicken waiting to sit on it! How do you cook chicken in a hat? You don't have to! These chickens are bred to be very docile and feel no pain at all as you "dig in" (nerve analysis and brain function test results pending) to their succulent flesh. You just try and not laugh when you pop that still beating heart into your mouth and look down at the tinier chicken wearing such a sassy hat. It's good fun!
- Pap smear!
- Vaginal examination!
- Abdominal hysterectomy!
- Posterior colporrhaphy!
- Meckel's diverticulectomy!
- Knee arthroscopy!
- Excision of penile foreskin!
- AND MUCH MORE!?
There are so many great ideas I don't have the time nor the energy to cover them all for you. All I know is that with these fine dining innovations, Arlogeist GmbH is poised on the cusp of a new era of culinary pleasure.
Did Louis C.K. jerk off in front of two female comics? And why are these ladies squandering an opportunity to learn from a comedy legend?
Elliot said my breakup must have been due to the sweater curse, an unexplained phenomenon where anyone who gives their significant other a hand-knit sweater gets dumped. The only way to break the curse, Elliot said, was to destroy the sweater.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.