Realize that falling in love with someone is just the results of a series of generic events that can occur between you and basically anyone who meets your standards of attractiveness. It's just an emotional manifestation of a handfull of chemicals bouncing back and forth. It's not the holy grail of living, it's not your reason to exist and it's definitely not something reserved for "that one person." Accept that you are just an animal with a big brain that allows him to fret over what only amounts to a game of hormone pool. What you're feeling is not your soul dying a gurgling, ugly death, but withdrawal. All the happy chemicals that saturated your body when you were with him are kicking out cold turkey, and your body is screaming bloody murder, where are my fucking endorphins? It's just chocolate. Find a new bar.
I met a girl in the information common the other day. We were waiting in line to use computers, and she pointed over to the other side of the room and said something. I didn't hear her because I was wearing earphones, so I took them out and looked at her for a bit. She repeated herself and asked me if "that person just left a computer over there." The person was only printing, so I told her that. Then she smiled at me and I saw that as my chance.
"Do you want to use a computer together?""What?""We can use one together if you want.""Oh no that's OK I'm just meeting someone."
After that she turned back around, stood still for another 30 seconds or so, and then walked out of the information common. Nice fucking excuse bitch. Why didn't you just tell me you had an appointment at the circus or something.
When I took acid for the first time about a week ago, watched the Nova production "The Elegant Universe" on DVD, and then went downstairs to get something to eat. I ran into my dog, who was laying on a couch wheezing. I felt terrible that he was suffering, and then it hit me - He has been suffering for far longer than that moment, and I had just learned how to tune it out. Then I began to hear the cries of suffering that I've ignored my entire life, compounding. I broke into tears, and it almost brings me to tears to think about it right now.
I vowed I would never ignore those cries again, and it is now my purpose - to do whatever I can to alleviate the suffering in this world. My heart was filled with infinite love, and I finally understood what Timothy Leary and the other LSD pioneers understood and why they tried to do what they did when they spread it. Dosing gave me the perspective I needed to finally understand the wisdom of the buddhist teachings I've been studying, as if condensing years of meditation practice into a single moment of realization. The moment was torturous, but after understanding what it was and coming to terms with it I was filled with sheer bliss.
This isn't just another "I had sex, lol" thread. It's a tale of how I gradually worked my way up the ladder, to finally losing my virginity at the age of nearly 30. Sure that seems a little late to some of you, or pathetic. But better late than never, right?
I suppose I've always been a shy person, never really had alot of confidence approaching good looking women, or semi-good looking women for that matter. I've only had tounge wrestling sessions with a few female friends starting at the age of 24, only to have them move away before they could do anything else to me. Finally at age 26, I had my first blowjob from a myspace hambeast, a bit too nervous to ejaculate from that. I don't think I really wanted to "hit it" because losing my virginity to something like that was well, not too thrilling even though she had a mega cute face.
So finally, I decided I had had enough with being a virgin and not knowing what it's like to have sex. I posted an ad on craigslist, didn't expect any replies. So finally after a week, I get an e-mail and this 37 year old woman is willing to help me out! We exchanged e-mails back and forth for about 2 weeks, I was skeptical that it might turn out to be a man. But sure enough, she calls me just yesterday after she gets off work, and picks me up in her blue bug. We head to her apartment, and proceed to the love making after 10 minutes and removing all our clothes. She has a pretty nice body for being almost 40, I must say. A few wrinkles here and there but nothing too bad.
We had intercourse in 3 different positions, however after 90 minutes of love making, and a 15 minute break in between, I couldn't ejaculate. I couldn't believe it! I guess I was too nervous or something most likley. So there it is, a virgin screwing for his first time, didn't ejacualte after a marathon of sex. However I did manage to get her off 3 times, her thighs were quivering at the end to prove it. So I say to all goons who haven't had intercourse yet and you're in your mid 20's, there is hope for you! Thank you for reading.
REFORMED HOG - Former member of the swine family, has now agreed to behave like a proper dog. Free to patient home willing to overlook physical defects. 555-2519
What do you do when The Dark Knight himself pulls a boner?
Available in Large, which is actually a Medium stretched out to appear bigger.
If you're in a tight spot, this is going to be really helpful (I'M JOKING. I'M KIDDING AROUND)
The Something Awful Forums are, by far, the greatest and most entertaining community on the internet. From the Comedy Goldmine to Photoshop Phriday, our forums are pretty much the lone island refusing to be engulfed by the sea of stupidity that is the internet. While sections like the Comedy Goldmine and Photoshop Phriday showcase the intentionally hilarious forum creations, we've failed to reveal the coin's flip side. The Great Goon Database is a depository of unintentionally amusing Something Awful Forum quotes demonstrating the darker side of SA. Special thanks to Goon "LittleJoe" for collecting and sorting these gems.